


The Rough Cut

by Pseudthisyafucks (collettephinz)



Category: Jelix - Fandom, Youtube - RPF, septicpie - Fandom
Genre: ALL THE GAY, Angst, Confession, Gay, M/M, Natural Remedies, Pining, Seasonal Depression (SAD), Septicpie, ample amounts of self depecation, but cute stuff?, felix's amazing coping techniques, no girlfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:08:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8878882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/Pseudthisyafucks
Summary: When Jack goes mysteriously silent for a few days, Felix flies over the pond to check on his friend.





	1. Cross-Fade

**Author's Note:**

> soooooo this is my first dip into the youtube fandom and it's pretty nervewracking but hey ya'll seem nice

Record a video.

Record another.

Record a third video, give it to Michael, scream about something, day in and day out, that was what Felix did. He didn’t mind it, of course. He loved making videos, he loved seeing the reactions of his fans, and he even loved the statistics of it all. No matter how much he denied that they mattered, Felix loved seeing the numbers, loved the solid reassurance he could plot in a graph, the feedback that couldn’t lie. It didn’t matter how many people said they hated him— the numbers spoke for themselves. 

Lately, though, he’d been asking for a little more. He wanted something to happen. He was tired of being bored, of struggling to come up with ideas. A lot of YouTubers just had things happen to them and then they talked about it endlessly, and while Felix saw right through that unoriginal bullshit, knew that half of it had to be made up, he still wanted something to happen. He wanted it to the point of self destructive thoughts. Maybe if he got in a car accident, he’d be a little less bored. Maybe if he got robbed or shot. 

He never wished bad things on his friends, though. He saw other YouTubers that talked about hurt friends, garnered attention through sympathy, and hated them. He couldn’t imagine stooping so low to use the misfortune of others. Maybe when it was a stranger, but not someone that he actually cared about. He could never wish pain on one of his friends. He didn’t see that as a desirable break from the monotony. 

So when Mark messaged him and said Jack hadn’t responded to him in a few days, Felix was worried, and not relieved or elated. He’d booked a flight to Ireland, seeing the two hour flight as less of a hassle than the ten hour drive. He slept for most of the flight, too strung out to do anything but that. Jack had responded to him a few times over the past week, but nothing like he normally would. Jack was nothing if not a rambler; he could go on for days about nothing if Felix let him. It wasn’t a good sign for him to be silent. 

“One day, I think I’d like to leave this place.”

That was the last thing Felix had heard from Jack. They’d been talking about the weather— literally, the weather. The most canonically lame conversation topic in the history of ever, and Jack had somehow made it interesting. Jack had been going on and on about the weather in Ireland, how horrible it was in the winter, how he missed the sun, how he was so tired all the time. Then he had faded out. Ended the conversation with an indefinite finalization. Felix honestly should have known something was wrong because there hadn’t been a dumb emoji following the statement. 

He got a cab and prepared himself for the two hour ride to Athlone, plugging in to his music and worrying over the messages he’d shared with Jack. It said a lot that Felix had kept all of the messages he and Jack had shared. Normally he was pretty anal about deleting message chains, not only to save space but to keep his privacy somewhat intact. He was paranoid after his bank records had been hacked, you couldn’t blame him. Jack was an exception; some of the texts were the only things that could make him smile a few days out of the week. Jack seemed to have a thing for praising Felix’s work as PewDiePie, gushing over the occasional video, and giving him words of encouragement, like what Felix would do for Mark. 

The messages helped Felix through moments of insecurity that anyone was prone to have. He was lucky to have Jack. He often wondered who was there for Jack, because try as he might to fill that role, Felix felt like he was never enough. No one really deserved Jack, though, so he doubted anyone would ever be enough and considered worthy. Jack was pretty fucking special like that.

Through the drive, Felix saw the dreary weather firsthand, but saw that it wasn’t unlike what he experienced in Brighton. He wondered if there was more going on in Jack’s head than the weather. It had to be something else, didn’t it? Maybe there was a problem with his parents. Maybe he had gotten bad news from someone else. Maybe he was worried about a relationship? Maybe there was a new relationship.

Felix’s hands felt clammy as he mulled over the idea of Jack dating some other fucking girl. He couldn’t stand the people Jack dated. Couldn’t stand Jack dating. The possessiveness he felt for the Irishman was damning, sure enough. He still didn’t like thinking about his own feelings, let alone talk about them with anyone. But there was no denying that he wanted Jack. Who didn’t? If you weren’t drawn in by his gentle features and affinity for green hair, you were caught by his genuine sincerity, kindness, and intelligence. It was hard to not fall in love with Jack. You had to put in an extreme amount of effort not to, and Felix? Felix had stopped trying at least a year ago. Which explained why his heart was pounding the more he worried. He didn’t know which was worse, either— if Jack was hurt, or if Jack was in a new relationship.

Either was pretty fucking terrible. 

His hands were shaking, Felix could watch them tremble. He wasn’t an anxious person unless it came to people. But he could be a worst case scenario type of asshole, and moving past Jack dating just left other awful things.

The car pulled up to the semi-familiar address before Felix was ready. He’d never been to Jack’s place before, but it looked like him. Decent flat, not a bad neighborhood, and the river was just within sight. It was a pretty lovely place. 

Felix paid the cabbie and grabbed the bag he’d haphazardly packed in fifteen seconds before catching his flight. He was pretty sure he’d packed three pairs of pants, one shirt, socks that didn’t match, and no underwear. He’d also brought a game controller and no games. He’d forgotten his laptop, too.

Felix went up the steps and went into the complex. He’d sent Jack a package before, some Christmas presents, he knew the address and the flat number. He climbed the stairs and knocked on the door to Jack’s place, wondering if he should have at least tried to call Jack before showing up. The front door swung open and Jack stared at Felix like he was seeing a ghost, his face gaunt and his skin pale. Neither of them could say anything for a few tense seconds. 

“Uh… Hey.” Felix cringed at his own awkwardness. He even added a little wave. “Sorry for dropping in like this, just… Mark texted me.”

“Mark?” Jack echoed, still staring. 

“You haven’t talked to him in a while,” Felix explained. "Haven’t talked to me. We’re worried, Sean. So I flew over here to check on your. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything? Maybe get in the way of a guest?” He prayed there wasn’t a guest.

“You flew here?”

Felix sighed and glanced past Jack, into the flat. It was dark “Can I come in?”

Jack slowly nodded and stepped aside, opening the door wider to let Felix in. The flat was stuffy and unwashed dishes filled the sink. There was a pile of laundry on one of the couches. Felix let his eyes skim around the flat before landing on the other man. “You good, Jack?”

“Why’re you here, Felix?” Jack asked, still staring at him like he expected Felix to just disappear. “Are you…”

“I got a text from Mark, he told me he was worried. And Sean? I’m pretty fucking worried too. I know you’ve got a boner for Batman, but turning your place into a cave is a little too far.” Felix laughed at his own weak joke and his heart sunk when Jack didn’t. “Sean, dude— you know I’m bad at this. But I’m here anyways, and I want to try.”

“You really flew here?” Jack asked, sounding like he didn’t believe him.

“How else would I be standing here in your place that smells like your dirty clothes?” Felix snorted. 

“You actually bought a ticket?” Jack pressed. “You spent two hundred on a plane ticket when you wouldn’t even spend sixty on a boom mic? Really?”

“Should I leave?” Felix asked, a little skeptical. 

“No!” Jack blurted out, reaching out in a flash like he wanted to actually grab Felix and keep him from leaving, though his hand never got that far. "I just… I’m a little confused. You’ve never been here before, but suddenly you’re ready to show up without a drop of a line. I wasn’t expecting you.” Jack looked away, not meeting Felix’s eyes. “Wasn’t expecting anyone, really. Didn’t think anyone would really notice. I’ve been putting up videos. That’s what matters, right?”

“You didn’t think we’d notice?” Felix was hurt. “We’re your friends, Jack.”

Jack shrugged. 

“Jesus.” Felix ran a hand over his face. “Okay. First off, I’m opening some windows. The air in here is toxic at this point, and that’s the nice way to put it. Then I’m gonna wash some dishes while you take a shower. Do you have a favorite place for takeaway?”

“I’m a little scundered by my flat,” Jack sighed, scratching behind his ear. “And, uh, the number for Alfredo’s is on the fridge with a menu. You can look it over and see what ye’ want.” He looked around the flat, wetting his lips. Felix’s eyes tracked the movement. “I’m, uh. I’m gonna do some laundry.”

“I won’t stop you,” Felix said, still staring at Jack’s mouth. “Want anything in particular from that place?”

“My usual is circled,” Jack said as he moved to the couch to gather up the clothes. “Throw yer shit anywhere, I don’t care. I think I have some spare sheets in the bedroom, and I can grab ye' a pillow too.”

“We’ll worry about that later,” Felix said as he went to the kitchen and grabbed the menu Jack had been talking about. “Right now, I want pasta. And some good ol’ Swedish meatballs.”

“I don’t think Alfredo’s can live up to your standards,” Jack snorted, finally looking like he was relaxing. Like he was warming up to Felix’s presence in his living room. “And look— I am sorry, ye’ know. I didn’t mean to shut you and Mark out. I just…”

Felix paused in dialing the number to look up at Jack and give him his attention.

Jack sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Look, I’m just feeling a little under the weather, okay? Literally. It tends to happen. ’S why I want to move, one day. I have this thing. I get pretty down when weather like this comes around. During the winter. I just get really fuckin’ down, Felix. And I can’t do anything about it. But I didn’t mean t’ignore you. Or Mark.”

Felix was a little surprised by that. He’d had no idea, but it made sense. Pretty much everyone in the dreary weather had a hard time saving face. “Don’t worry about it,” he told Jack, waving him off. “Just don’t assume we don’t care.” He looked back to the menu. “Want a beer with this?”

“God, fuck yes,” Jack sighed. “Though something harder would be much appreciated.”

“I don’t think I can order vodka in takeaway, Sean,” Felix said with a chuckle. 

“There’s some in the cupboard,” Jack told him.

“You sure you should drink if you’re feeling down?” Felix asked, knowing it had to be a bit more than just your average down for Jack to ignore Mark. “I mean, I’m always one for drinking your cares away, but I usually say that’s best for when you’re alone. Drinking yourself to death with friends?” He tutted his disdain. “That’s too risky.”

Jack groaned and rolled his eyes. “Whatever ye’ say, Felix.”

Felix smirked and called for the takeaway. As Jack walked to the bathroom— hopefully to take that shower— Felix couldn’t help but watched the way Jack’s leg and ass moved in those jeans.

. . .

“All I’m saying is that I shouldn’t have fallen!” Jack cried out, excited as always as he watched Felix play The Last Guardian over his shoulder. “The controls are fucking daft, Felix, I should’ve been holding on by default cos’ it was a cut scene!”

“You should’ve kept your fucking hands on the controls!” Felix laughed as he climbed Trico in the game. “You were the one throwing your hands up.”

“Damn Trico,” Jack huffed, throwing back the last of his beer. “I should’ve made it. Should’ve fucking made it.”

“Of course, Jacky Boy,” Felix hummed as the game went into one of its explanatory cut scenes. “And I should’ve been in the damn game. As a decorative detail on the shield. Or maybe just as Trico. Picture it— my face on that fluffy body. I’d be so cute.”

“You don’t need to be on a dog body to be cute, ye' fuckin’ idiot,” Jack said offhandedly. Felix’s hand stuttered over the keyboard and he missed the ledge, dropping back down a level. Jack started laughing at his mistake, and that was how Felix knew Jack had only been trying to make him mess up. His heart sunk, and he kept his eyes on the screen. He didn’t see how relieved Jack looked when Felix didn’t comment. 

Felix switched to the desktop and sat back in Jack’s chair, stretching. “Welp,” he said as casually as possible. “I’m tired. Think we should head to bed, considering it’s… Fucking one AM, jesus christ, Jack.”

“I guess,” Jack sighed, stepping back so Felix could stand too. But he didn’t move back far enough. When Felix stood, he found himself nearly chest to chest with Jack, their lips only an inch or so apart. Jack blinked and his eyes were trailed down Felix’s face to his lips, staring. Felix unconsciously wet them and Jack’s own lips parted. Neither of them moved from each other and Felix was able to feel Jack’s breath on his skin.

“We should… go to bed,” Jack said, sounding like he had to force himself to remember English. Felix could only nod. Jack stepped back and ducked his head, green hair falling to cover his face. It was a pity.

“I can never sleep on the couch,” Felix said. “Can’t I just stay in your bed?” He saw Jack startle, but couldn’t take it back. He didn’t want to take it back. “I promise I won’t feel you up,” he joked, hoping to make him a little less uncomfortable.

“Too bad,” Jack croaked. Felix couldn’t respond. “You packed night clothes, right? I’m gonna go change. I don’t care if you share me bed, I’ll shove a pillow between us if you start kicking, and I’ll smother ye’ if you snore.”

“Fuck you, you snore louder than me,” Felix accused.

“I’m gonna record you,” Jack said. “Prove you wrong.”

“Watching me while a sleep? How risqué.” 

“Whatever will get me views, Felix,” Jack simpered. Fuck, Felix was flirting. He knew he was flirting. And Jack was flirting back? For the most part. Felix wasn’t necessarily good at any of this, but he knew when he was flirting and being flirted with. And this? This was textbook flirtation. Felix’s heart was racing and he quickly left the room to grab his night clothes that he was only half sure he had packed. He pulled out a pair of night pants, but that was it. Maybe Jack wouldn’t mind him if he slept shirtless with him.

He changed and slipped into the bed. Jack had really nice bedsheets. He rolled onto his side and found the side of the bed that dipped the least when he lied on it, then remained, so he wouldn’t take Jack’s side of the bed. He was closest to the window, and faced the blinds. He heard Jack enter the bedroom and shut his eyes. He felt the bed sink and tried not to be horribly aware of how Jack had only a queen sized bed and how Felix could easily feel the heat from Jack’s body. He wished he could press back against the smaller man’s body and feel every inch of him, from head to toe. But he couldn’t. He had to remember that he couldn’t.

Felix ended up sighing so heavily and Jack let out a noise of concern. “You good, Fe’?”

“It’s cold,” Felix lied.

“I told you I have another blanket somewhere.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Felix said. He rolled over and faced Jack. The air was heavy wth tension and he broke that tension the only way he knew how. He smiled and batted his lashes. “Got any good pillow talk, Jacky Boy?”

“Pretty sure we have to fuck first for that to be a thing,” Jack snorted. “Are you… Where’s your shirt?”

“Forgot it,” Felix said. “Do you mind?”

Jack paused. “No. Not really.”

Felix smirked a bit, but the smile was contorted into a yawn. “Night, Sean,” he slurred, eyes falling shut. He barely heard Jack’s well wishing and started to asleep easily. Halfway into the deep darkness of nothing, he felt fingers card through his hair. It only served to send him to sleep even quicker.

. . .

The next morning, when he woke up, Jack was awake and sitting up on the edge of the bed. He was hunched over, and Felix could only see his back. Jack’s shoulders were shaking. Felix sat up, instantly on edge. “Sean?” he called out softly, not wanting to startle him. But Jack jumped anyways. 

He turned around and stared at Felix, again acting like Felix was a ghost. “I, uh. Sorry. Did I wake you?” His voice sounded strangled. 

“Are you okay?” Felix reached out, still half asleep and stupid. He rested a hand on Jack’s hip and pulled himself closer. He sat up on his knees and hugged Jack from behind. Jack tensed under him, but Felix knew it would be more of a mistake to pull away. “It’s early, isn’t it? Like, six. You should still be asleep.”

“Yer huggin’ me?”

Felix pulled away, but not far. He pat Jack’s shoulder. “I’ll make breakfast.” He climbed out of bed. The cold air gave him goosebumps all over his bare chest.

“Shouldn’t you be heading back to Brighton?”

Felix paused when he heard Jack. “Do you want me to?” He looked back to bed. Jack was hiding his face.

“No,” Jack confessed, voice quiet. “I’m… a mess, Felix. Right now. I don’t want you to go. But I know that you have your own things to do. You have your channel and stuff. And your friends. You can’t just drop everything for no reason.”

“You’re a reason,” Felix replied simply. “Want eggs? Do you even have eggs? Or pancakes?”

“Fuck,” Jack choked out. “I don’t deserve a friend like ye’, Felix.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Felix told him, turning to face him. “You, Jack? You’re pretty fucking grade A human material. None of us deserve you. Got it?”

“‘M a fuckin’ failure…”

Felix couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Sean,” he murmured, standing in the door, facing his friend. “What… Are you okay? Like, really. What’s wrong? There’s something wrong and it goes past the weather, doesn’t it.”

“I’m just tired, Felix,” he sighed. “I’m so tired.”

“Okay,” he replied. “I can work with that. Breakfast, a nap, then lunch, then another nap. All you’ve got to do is be at the table.” He smiled gently and waited for Jack to meet his eyes. “Sound manageable?”

“Fair enough,” Jack said, voice monotonous. 

“Sweet,” Felix hummed. “I’ll get dressed.”

“You can forget the shirt again,” Jack offered. 

Felix looked back, wiggling his brow coyly. “What was that?”

Jack finally cracked a smile and threw a pillow at Felix’s face. “Make me breakfast, bitch. In an apron. And only an apron.”

Felix could only laugh and escape to the kitchen so Jack wouldn’t see the way Felix’s blush spread from his face to his chest.

. . .

“ _I think it’s called seasonal depression,_ ” Mark told Felix over the phone while Jack was recording a video. Felix had called Mark for his opinion on just what the fuck was going on. He hadn’t ever known Jack to be like this. 

“Seasonal depression?” Felix repeated, scrunching his nose. “That sounds made up.”

“ _True, except it’s not,_ ” Mark told him patiently. “ _Its official name is Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. It’s common, all around the world, especially in places that experience very little sun in the wintertime, such as places up in the north here in America and the European northwest. In fact, the UK and Ireland have horribly high suicide rates, particularly in the winter time. Seasonal depression is literally clockwork. The season gets dreary, the sun even less present, and people experience feelings of clinical depression. It all adds up to explain what Jack's been going through._ ”

“Okay,” Felix sighed, a little relieved that at least Mark knew what was going on. “How do I fix this?”

“ _Uh, shit,_ ” Mark mumbled, sounding like he was reading something. “ _Uhm, uh, change of diet, adding a vitamin D supplement. Talking. Exercise… There’s something about a light box too, or a salt lamp. Oh, try the salt lamp first. They’re pretty cool and they also help with anxiety. I mean, not on a clinical level, but it’s got a lot to do with purifying the air and giving a red glow. It’s cool stuff. I think Sean would like one._ ”

“Salt… lamp,” Felix repeated as he added that to the list he was writing. “I can get the D supplements, and I can probably get him to go on a jog with me tomorrow morning. Maybe he’ll open up to me later.”

“ _What about your channel?_ ”

“I’ve got videos stocked up for emergencies,” Felix said, not at all worried. “I’ve got enough for two weeks. All the regular shitty content, but no one really expects any better.”

“ _Your videos aren’t shitty,_ ” Mark scoffed. Felix found himself smiling. “ _Are you gonna tell him?_ ” Felix wasn’t smiling anymore. “ _I mean, you’re gonna be close quarters with him for a while here. He’s bound to find out._ ”

“It’s not like I’m gonna pop a boner randomly while he bends over to pick up a plate,” Felix huffed.

Mark giggled like a child. “ _Heh. Boner._ ”

“Shut up. Where do I get a salt lamp?”

“ _They’re called Himalayan Salt Lamps, even though they’re from somewhere in either Pakistan or Poland. You can get one at any natural market. And you can’t avoid this awkward conversation topic. You wanna take a dip in the Septic tank._ ”

“That’s disgusting,” Felix said. “You’re disgusting.”

“ _I’m also right,_ ” Mark reasoned. “ _… You can tell him. You should. I have really good reason to believe that it’ll go well. And the chances of him hating you are, like, literally nothing. You’re basically just being stupid right now. Stop being stupid. You- you both are so stupid._ ”

“You’re being an ass, Mark,” Felix snorted. “Maybe I’m not stupid. Maybe I’m just a coward.”

“ _You’re not a coward,_ ” Mark chided. “ _Just don’t put yourself down so much, Felix. Take a note from Disney— kiss the girl._ ”

“Thanks for the help,” Felix said in a rush.

“ _Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my oh my!_ ” Mark began to sing. Felix quickly hung up, but he was grinning. He sent Jack a text, saying he was going shopping. He didn’t know what kind of options Athlone had to offer, but he was going to try his best.

. . .

When Jack was done with recording and editing, a process that took nearly six hours, apparently, Felix had set everything up. He had bought two salt lamps. One was set up in the living room, on the table, like a centerpiece. The other piece was to be put into Jack’s room, to help him get a deeper sleep. He had vitamin D gummies, along with a bunch of way too healthy groceries that would probably go bad in a week or so. He hoped Jack would let him feed him this stuff. He’d been texting Brad and Michael the whole time, letting them know what was happening. They were posting for him. Everything would be fine.

When Jack came out of recording, he was wearing that leather jacket that Felix couldn’t get enough of. Felix didn’t bother hiding the way he was dragging his eyes up and down Jack’s body as Jack walked hesitantly into the kitchen. He was staring at the warmly glowing lamp with a perplexed expression. “What’s that?”

“A Himalayan Salt Lamp,” Felix replied brightly. “It uses, uh…” He picked up the informational leaflet that had come with the lamp. “It cleanses the air and attracts positive ions, eradicating them and providing cleaner, more uplifting air.” He put down the leaflet. “Also, the glow is known to help with the depression symptoms.”

“Depression?” Jack frowned. 

“Seasonal depression,” Felix amended. “SAD. It’s called SAD.”

“I don’t… Do I have that?”

Felix shrugged. “Apparently a lot of people do. Mark and I think you might. It has to do with the weather, too. And even if you don’t, then that’s ticking a box. But I thought we might as well try to help you get better, right? New diet, new light, new routine. You’re gonna jog with me and stuff, it’ll be fun!”

Jack was still looking at the lamp. “… You did all of this for me?”

“Of course.” Felix stood and went to the fridge. “I got you a ton of vegetables and fruits and shit, all of that healthy stuff. And I got you a blender, so we can make smoothies. And we’re gonna run, as I said, and you gotta sit by this lamp for at least fifteen minutes a day. Also, vitamin D. They’re shaped like dinosaurs!” He held up the bottle of gummies, proud of himself. “Ignore the kid on the label, this is totally for adults.”

Jack’s shoulders were slumped. “Felix…” When Felix paused to listen, Jack sighed. “I know I’m wrapped more times than a bad Christmas present. I know I’m fucked. So you don’t- you don’t have to be here. I’m sorry. You’re busy, and this has to be so much money, I can’t—”

“You don’t have price limit, Sean,” Felix told him. “None of my friends do.”

Jack only just looked more destroyed by that. “Right. Friends.”

Felix wondered how he’d fucked up.

“Want a smoothie?” he asked sheepishly. “Or would you rather have a pizza? One last night of destroying your cholesterol?”

“Not hungry,” Jack mumbled. And that wasn’t a good sign. Felix knew depression symptoms pretty well on his own. Listless, tired, empty, finding little joy in the usual deal. Not feeling much about everything. 

“Hey,” Felix murmured, reaching out with his hand. He rested it on Jack’s shoulder. “Do what Mark told me to do. Stop putting yourself down so much. Take care of yourself.” Felix was talking so emotionally right now, it was a little insane. He hadn’t been this emotionally transparent in years. Then again, Jack was worth baring his heart for. “You and I should have a nice dinner and we’ll watch something stupid, something mind numbing. Then we’ll go to bed and wake up early for a run.”

“I hate running,” Jack mumbled.

“And I hate seeing you smile only when there’s a camera in your face,” Felix shot back. “But we all can’t be getting what we want. Besides, I’ve been meaning to get you into shorts.” He added a wink for good measure. Jack chortled. 

“So fuckin’ gay,” Jack said. “You, uh. You should order some pizza. I’ve got to check on my uploads. Shitty internet and stuff, gotta make sure it’s working. Uh, I like, I like pepperoni. And sausage. And olives.”

“Anything for you,” Felix said, making kissy lips. Jack blushed and cracked a smile. Felix marveled at the pink cheeks and wished he kiss the boy like he wanted to. There was just something adorable about the way Jack was staring down at his own knobby knees. But Felix still wasn’t sure yet, despite what Mark had said. 

“You think you could get hot wings with that?” Jack asked, smiling shyly. “I kinda like how they taste after being in the fridge for a few hours.”

“God, you’re fucking adorable,” Felix blurted out before he could stop himself. 

Jack blushed even deeper and his teeth sunk into his lower lip. “… Am I?”

Felix sucked in a breath, deciding if he should go for gold or not. This was a little bit past their normal, easy flirtation. He had to be careful. Then again, Mark had seem so assured. Maybe Felix should try…

“Yeah, you are,” he told Jack, deciding the guy deserved to be compliment. “And pretty fucking hot, too. Also super funny. A triple threat. Like those lame actors who write and direct, except you’re way smarter.”

Jack was red to his ears at this point, and his eyes were wide. Felix smirked. “You good, Sean?” he asked, slowly starting to understand what Mark had been trying to tell him. All of that fear and anxiety bled away. Maybe he wouldn’t have much of a risk in confessing his feelings after all. He felt kinda dumb for not having seen this the whole fucking time. Jack fumbled back to his computer and Felix ordered the pizza. He sat back and wondered if there was any way to make delivery pizza romantic.

. . .

Felix paid the guy extra to make sure he didn’t ring the doorbell. He divvied up the pizza and set two slices on two different plates. He put the salt lamp in the middle and turned off the rest of the lights so there was only the warm glow of the lamp. He pulled up Netflix on Jack’s TV and turned on that fireplace endless loop that he only used during Christmas. He poured the wine he’d bought while shopping— because a glass of red wine was good for your heart— and chose the nicer silverware. Felix stood back, looked over the table, and figured it was good enough. 

He honestly wished he could do more. Jack was… Sean. He meant a lot to Felix, meant a lot to what Felix did. Jack reminded him of why Felix had started YouTube in the first place, reminded him of the way he’d been before. So excited and ready to be play new games and make new friends and entertain. Felix sometimes missed being that way, but he preferred to watch Jack and feel nostalgic. 

He preferred to watch Jack in general. Not only was he one of the most kind people he had ever met, he was pretty fucking attractive in a way that Felix didn’t often find himself noticing in men or women. But that hair, those legs, those hips, that smile, that jawline, that fucking everything that was so enticing to Felix. He didn’t like labels, thought they were dumb, so he wasn’t about to label himself. But damn, did Jack make him question quite a few things about himself. And Felix honestly didn’t mind.

He could watch Jack for days. Honestly did, sometimes. Jack finished play-throughs with a vengeance, played way more games than Felix did these days, and whenever Felix didn’t want to put in the effort of playing a game, he lived vicariously through Jack. Sometimes Mark, too, but god, Jack. Just the stupid smile. Felix wanted to stare for hours. Probably could. 

It was amazing to ponder the idea of Jack actually wanting him back. It was hard to actually picture it, beyond the stupid, occasional, hormone-driven dream. And yes, Felix had definitely dreamed more than a few times about Jack. Who fucking couldn’t? Have you seen Jack’s hips? Felix had pictured those thighs wrapped around his waist far more than once. Dreamed of the way Jack’s body would tremble with Felix’s touch, how he’d whimper and beg. He’d thought about Jack in the throes of sex way too fucking much. 

It was the tamer thoughts that plagued Felix. He could jack off to Jack any fucking day, easily and with a little less guilt every single time. But when he thought about the simpler things— the intimate moments, the innocent kisses, the small gestures of love and affection— that got to Felix. Those thoughts made his heart ache with want. He felt guiltier imagining Jack as his boyfriend than Jack as his sexual partner. It was fucking dumb. Thinking about holding Jack’s hands made his hands sweatier than thinking about Jack with his pants off. 

Dammit, Felix, don’t think about Jack with his pants off. He had to make pizza romantic. He didn’t have time to think about Jack lying on the sheets, gasping Felix’s name, writhing as Felix’s hands traced miles of skin.

Felix groaned and tugged at his hair. He needed to get his shit together. He had to find out to make sure the house still didn’t smell like Jack’s old laundry. He didn’t know what to do with the regular-ness of Jack’s apartment either. 

Felix’s eyes cast to the closed door of Jack’s recording room, then grabbed his wallet and ducked out of the flat again. 

. . .

He finished setting the flowers around the table, finished setting up the candles along the counter, and finished spritzing the room with the air freshener, then sat down to wait. Everything looked about as perfect as he could manage in thirty minutes. He’d nuked the pizza, as it had grown cold during his second trip, but it still tasted good, Felix had checked. His hands were folded over one another atop the table and he waited. And waited.

And Jack never came. 

Sitting there, twenty minutes later, Felix realized that the shower was running. Had been since he got back. He sighed and put out the candles, figuring Jack was just going to bed at this point. He put the pizza in the fridge and put the roses in a larger vase off to the side of the sink. He cleaned the table, the counters, he even washed his own wasted dishes. The shower was still running.

Felix went to the bathroom and rapped his knuckles gently on door. “Sean?” he called out. “You okay?” Jack didn’t respond, so Felix tried the doorknob. It wasn’t locked, but he also didn’t want to talk in on Jack naked in the shower. Well, he did want that. But he wasn’t going to do that to Jack regardless. “Sean, hey!” he called out louder, knocking again. Still nothing. Well, fuck. “I’m coming in…”

He opened the door and grimaced as a wall of steam hit him in the face. Felix squinted and waved his hand in the air to make the fogginess go away. “Sean!” he snapped when he couldn’t see his friend. “This isn’t funny!”

The shower curtain was pushed back and Jack was standing there, under way too hot water, without a shirt but still in his pants. There was something ruined about his expression, though, and Felix’s annoyance died. 

“Jesus fucking christ, you’re gonna burn yourself,” he said, reaching out to pull Jack out of the shower. But Jack pulled back, out of reach. He stared Felix down, brow slanted downwards in anger, but his eyes were red and puffy like he’d been crying. 

“Why are you here, Felix?” he asked stiffly. “Did you want a good laugh? A chance to fuck around, hurt me? Maybe have some fucking funny stories to tell your friends? Tell Mark? Am I a joke to you? A fucking meme, a fucking way to get views, just someone to use till I’m empty and you’re filled?”

What the fuck?

“What the fuck?” Felix asked. He had no idea where this was coming from. “Sean, I’m your friend, I just wanted to be here for—”

“You wanted to fucking laugh in my face!” Jack accused, stepping out of the tub and stalking towards Felix, cornering him, pinning him to the wall with fury. “You wanted to take my emotions, twirl them around your fucking finger, yank on them and make me dance like a fucking puppet! You just wanted to watch me suffer so you can have another fucking PR stunt and get more attention!”

“Sean, I don’t—”

“I’m just another fucking tool to you,” Jack spat, shoving his finger into Felix’s chest. “I was just a fucking waste of space until PewDiePie came along and made my fucking channel! The only reason I exist is thanks to the godlike fucking PewDiePie, who I should grovel at the feet of, because what other purpose would I have for living? I’m just here for your amusement! My emotions are here for your entertainment! But I’m fucking tired of it, Felix, so throw me to the fucking wolves already! Get it over with! I’m not your pawn! You’re a self-obsessed piece of shit, who sees everyone as his own fucking toy! What I feel isn’t your…”

Jack finally faltered in his onslaught of fury when he saw how genuinely afraid Felix was. Felix was cowering against the wall, looking up at Jack with wide, scared eyes, his hands shaking. There wasn’t any fight in Felix, not an ounce of rebellion. He was taking every single word Jack said to him like a slap to the face and he wasn’t defending himself. He wasn’t fight back. It had to be what made Jack stop. 

“I just wanted to help you,” Felix choked out, his voice small and cracking at the edges. “I-I wanted…” He brought his hand up and wiped at his eyes, ashamed that he had a few tears. Jack stepped back, looking shocked, maybe at the way Felix was reacting or maybe at the words that had come out of his own mouth. Felix couldn’t believe half the things Jack had said either. 

“… I didn’t mean it,” Jack said after a tense moment. “None of it. I didn’t mean a word.”

“Pretty sure you wouldn’t have said it if you weren’t thinking it,” Felix mumbled, faking a smile. “I get it. I’m pretty hard to be around.”

“Felix…”

“If you really want me to go, I can leave in the morning,” Felix said, not meeting Jack’s eyes anymore. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome or anything. I’ll give Mark a call and let him know, though, so he’ll probably check up on you. Is there, uh, a hotel? Or somewhere that I can stay that you know of? A hostel.”

“No, Felix,” Jack pleaded, his expression just short of horrified. “I don’t, I don’t want you to go. I’m sorry, okay? I just blew up at ye’, but I didn’t mean any of it. I’ve never thought that of you, I just…”

“Just what, Jack?” Jack blinked at the pseudo title, like he could see the rift that had formed between them with what Jack had said. “I mean, if you’re gonna tell me it wasn’t true, then you better have a good reason for why you said it.”

“I don’t know why yer here,” Jack explained. “I really, really don’t. And I don’t know why you bought me all this nice stuff or why you’re putting aside your job for me. I don’t know why you left your home in a heartbeat and I don’t know why you’d do all of that for just me. I don’t understand and it’s confusing me.”

“Because you’re my fucking friend, Jack. Or do you not believe me when I say that?”

“Friends don’t do this,” Jack told him, shaking his head. “Not the kind friends I know. What you’ve done… I, I looked up how much that fucking lamp alone cost, Felix, it was forty fucking dollars. And you’ve already bought the plane ticket, the cab ride, the groceries. I know you say money isn’t a problem to you, but you’re fucking cheap, Felix, you watch every cent, and you love numbers. Spending all this on me in the course of two days? That… That’s not friendly, Felix.”

“And you think I’m playing you?” Felix asked.

“I think you know something,” Jack admitted. “I don’t know how. Maybe Mark told you, maybe you figure it out on yer own, I just don't know. But I think you know something about me, something that I never wanted to tell ye', and now you’re using it to make me let you fix me. Fix this fucking seasonal disorder or whatever. I think that you’re using what I feel. The flirting, the money, the, the sudden appearance at my house. You’re using what I feel to make me complacent or something.” Jack bit his lip. “Is that… Am I close?”

Felix started laughing, though he didn’t find any of this funny. “Holy shit, you’re giving me way too much credit, Jack,” he said. “I’m not that smart. I don’t, I can’t do any of that shit. I’m definitely not that smart.”

Jack’s nose scrunched. “Then why’re you here?”

Felix took in a deep breath and went for gold. “Is it so hard to think that, maybe, I feel the same as you?” His voice was soft, a quiet echo in the bathroom. The shower was still running, but it was more background noise at this point, though it was hard to breathe through the steam. Jack’s face fell into bone deep shock when Felix spoke, jaw dropping and eyes going wide. His cheeks turned a lovely pink and Jack’s hands came up to cover his mouth.

“Oh god,” Jack blurted out. “Oh fuck. I’m so fucking sorry, Fe’, I fucking…” He looked where Felix was stills lumped against the wall, still cowering, like he expected fists to fly. “I yelled at you, I-I accused you, when all you wanted—”

“Shut up, Sean,” Felix sighed, surging upwards to put a hand around Jack’s neck and tug him down for their first kiss. It wasn’t anything more than the chaste slide of their lips together. Jack pressed into the touch, a broken moan falling past his lips, but Felix wouldn’t let Jack deepen the kiss. The outburst from moments before spoke volumes to Jack’s emotional state. While Felix hated being the adult, he couldn’t let this get any further. He pulled back after a few long, wondrous seconds, and gave the Irishman a crooked grin. “I’m not using you. Not even a little. Just wanted to help you.”

“I’m so sorry, Fe’,” Jack whimpered, resting their foreheads together. “I never- I couldn’t imagine- I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Felix said. “Let’s just get you into a real fucking shower. Not this half clothed bullshit, though you definitely don’t look bad in just the black. And turn down the fucking heat, will ya? You’re Irish. You’ll burn like a fishstick.”

“Fuck you,” Jack said, smiling back. “Are you… You really want me?”

“No, I just kiss every good looking dude with green hair.” Felix rolled his eyes and pecked the corner of Jack’s lips. “We’ll talk later. Just take care of yourself for now. Still hungry?”

“Oh god, your dinner.” Jack’s smile dropped again. “I’m the worst, Felix.”

“Do you want me to zap it for ya?” Jack nodded and Felix smiled, curling his fingers in Jack’s hair to kiss him again. Now that he had the ability, he was addicted. Jack didn’t taste like any of the cliches, he tasted like himself. And that was way more intoxicating than any toothpaste mint or body scent. “Take a shower. I’ll bring the food to your room. We’re gonna be lazy pieces of shit and eat in bed. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect,” Jack admitted, smiling again. It was up and down all day with this guy. 

“And don’t forget,” Felix teased. “You and I are getting up bright and early tomorrow for a jog.” Jack groaned and Felix cackled. He kissed Jack one last time because he could and left the bathroom, shutting the door. A wide grin spread across his face and he felt like a dumb teenager all over again. Felix hid his face in his hands, embarrassed by the red that was slowly covering his cheeks. He’d kissed Jack.

He’d kissed Jack.

“This is fucking awesome,” he said to himself.

“I know!” Jack agreed through the door with that joyful laugh. Felix slammed his hand on the door in retaliation, still smiling, and went to microwave their dinner.


	2. Superimposition

Now that Jack believed Felix when he said he wasn’t there to use him or whatever fucking paranoid bullshit Jack had spouted, he was the clingiest fucker Felix had ever met. They were lying in Jack’s bed, Jack’s front pressed into Felix’s side, his left leg thrown over Felix’s thighs and his left arm over Felix’s chest. Felix had his arm under Jack’s head and his arm was asleep, tingling painfully, but he wasn’t going to pull away. The empty pizza box was at the foot of the bed. Jack kept poking Felix’s full belly, trying to make him laugh or burp or something equally stupid. 

“Fucking do something, you fuck,” Jack huffed when Felix didn’t even giggle. “You ate half that fucking pizza and you’re gonna tell me you don’t even feel the least bit queasy?”

“You ate the other half!’ Felix laughed, pulling down his shirt when Jack tried to pull it up. “Stop stripping me! I’ll call my mom.”

“I don’t think you want your mum in here for what I want to do to ye’,” Jack snorted.

Felix waggled his brow, trying extra hard to look ridiculous. “And what do you wanna do to me, Jacky Boy?” he asked, flicking his tongue out like a lizard just because he wanted to make Jack laugh. “You wanna make a man out of me?”

Jack giggled. “I wanna make ye’ fart, ye’ fucking idiot.”

“Oh my god, you’re doing this wrong.” Felix reached for Jack’s laptop and pulled it back onto his lap. “On that note, I want to watch Mulan.”

“Too bad,” Jack murmured.

“Got something against Disney? Or empowered women, Jack? Huh? You sexist?”

“No,” Jack hummed. “Just feel a little guilty sucking off a guy while watching a kid’s movie.”

Felix paused, cursor hovered over the search bar. “Sean…”

“I know you probably think I’m emotionally all over the place,” Jack said. “And probably not able to make awesome decisions, and you aren’t always wrong, considering how I blew up at you, but I know what I’m doing, Felix. I know what I want. And I’d always promised to myself that if I ever, ever got the chance to be with you, even if I was drunk, I would suck your dick as a show of gratitude.”

Felix had to shut his eyes and gather ever bit of self control he had. He wanted to say yes. Name one fucking person that wouldn’t say yes. But he felt like he couldn’t, or at least shouldn’t. Jack had been screaming and crying only an hour ago, how was Felix supposed to think it would be okay at this point to let Jack get him off? And with the depression…

“Felix,” Jack said, sitting up and hovering above him. “I swear to you. I am one hundred percent okay to suck your dick. And honestly, I’ve never really had to convince anyone to allow me to get them off before, so while I’m touched by your chivalry, I’m also a wee bit concerned.”

Felix groaned and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyelids. “… I’ve got a better idea,” he finally said. He sat up and took Jack by the hips, manhandling Jack to lie beneath him. Jack let out a high pitched giggle, blushing fiercely. 

“Gonna sit on me face, Felix?” Jack asked. 

“Oh god.” Felix choked on his own tongue, looking down at Jack in disbelief. “You’re some sort of fucking pervert, aren’t you?” He grinned. “What the hell am I gonna do with you?”

“Uh, sit on me face,” Jack replied like it was obvious. “Wasn’t that the plan?”

“Not really, no,” Felix chuckled, shimmying down Jack’s legs and tugging down Jack’s tight pants at the same time. Jack’s eyes went wide and he sat up, looking down at Felix with disbelief. 

“Wait, yer bullshitting with me taint,” Jack said, and Felix choked on a laugh. “You’re gonna do this? You are? Well what the fuck, I never thought you were gay enough for this kind of shit. You’re always so fucking macho and scared of dicks.”

“Wow, thank you,” Felix said dryly. “You want this or not?”

“Never thought about it before,” Jack confessed, a hint of shyness falling over his face. “Seemed… I dunno. Arrogant.”

“Well, that says a lot of shit about me, then. I’ve thought of you i way worse position than on your knees.”

“Oh god,” Jack giggled covering his face. He knees suddenly came together, like he was trying to be modest, even when his pants were halfway down his thighs and Felix could see the tent in the front of his boxers. Felix reached down and pushed Jack’s shirt up to his clavicle, completing the pretty picture Jack made. He pressed his hand into Jack’s stomach, feeling the warm flesh and watching Jack relax. Felix trailed his hand down Jack’s side, resting his palm on Jack’s bony hip and rubbing small circles into the bone with his thumb. Jack looked up at him with dark eyes, anticipating Felix’s next move.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen you naked,” Felix commented, just touching Jack’s warm, pale skin. “Feels like I should have. Put a fucking nipple pump on you, yet I haven’t seen your dick.”

“Is it really that big of a deal?” Jack asked. “A dick’s a dick.”

“You’re a dick,” Felix shot back, snickering. “Lift your hips. Your pants are too tight.”

“I’ve never heard you say that like it’s a bad thing until now,” Jack said, planting his feet and lifting his hips so Felix could peal Jack’s pants down the rest of the way. 

“Why’d you get back into your fucking jeans after a shower?” Felix huffed, tossing them aside and running his hands up Jack’s gorgeous thighs. Jack shuddered beneath him and shrugged, knees together, watching Felix touch him. 

“I wanted to look good for ye’,” Jack replied. “No one looks good in sweatpants. Ain’t sexy.”

“God, you could be sexy in a potato sack,” Felix said, before bending over and running his lips up the soft expanse of Jack’s stomach. He felt Jack’s stomach quiver beneath his touch and smiled, pressing kisses lower and lower and loving the minute reactions he received. Jack squirmed beneath him the lower Felix’s touch got, reaching the edge of Jack’s boxers, which were looking less attractive and more like a nuisance by the second. He reached down, resting his palm across the bulge in the black material, and gently rubbed, garnering the other man’s reaction.

“Fuckin’ weak,” Jack snorted, though his body relaxed even further into the mattress. “Grab ‘em like a man, Felix.”

Felix was offended. “Fuck you!” he almost shrieked, before tugging Jack’s shorts down without any hesitation and staring his dick in the face. He didn’t even give himself a second to think before bending his spine in half and taking Jack’s cock in his mouth, daring Jack to give him any more shit. 

Jack gasped, lurching up off the bed and bending over Felix’s head, a garbled sound of surprise leaving his lips. Felix would’ve smirked if his mouth wasn’t full of Irish dick. 

“Fucking fuck, Felix, fuck,” Jack cursed, hands curling in Felix’s blond hair. He tugged hard enough to make Felix let out a noise of discomfort, and pet Felix’s scalp shakily as an apology. Felix put his focus back on the task at hand, letting Jack’s weight press against his tongue. He pulled off, flicking his tongue across the head and pressing into the slit. Jack’s thighs trembled around his head. 

Felix pressed down on Jack’s hips just in case. He didn’t make a habit of sucking dick. He went back down, taking as much of Jack as he could into his mouth, pressing past his gag reflex. He dug his fingers into Jack’s skin and sunk down further on his cock, eyes screwed shut in focus. Above him, Jack was a mess, nails scrabbling at Felix’s scalp and back. Felix almost thought Jack had never gotten a decent blowjob in his life. He flexed his throat experimental around Jack’s, then pulled up, trailing his lips up the shaft and pressing a kiss to the tip. Then he pulled off completely and gave Jack the cockiest smirk he had ever worn. 

“Oh god,” Jack whimpered. His face was bright red and his lips slick with spit. His hands were in the air and shaking, and he was the prettiest thing Felix had ever seen. 

“Just me, you bitch,” Felix hummed before going back down on Jack. The Irishman let out a high pitched noise, hips pushing upwards. Felix lied down on his stomach, a lot more comfortable like that, and held himself up on his elbows. As Jack continued to fail to control his hips, Felix tightened his lips and slid his hands under Jack’s body. He took handfuls of Jack’s fucking amazing ass, squeezing the globes, then lifting upwards. Jack didn’t even falter in taking the hint, taking’s Felix’s head in his hands and thrusting his cock into Felix’s mouth. 

Felix could almost feel how close Jack was, and it made him confident. He relaxed his throat and let Jack do what he needed to do, sitting back and letting himself watch. Jack was gorgeous like this, face scrunched in the throes of pleasure, cries falling past his lips like a waterfall, like he couldn’t control anything he said. He was such a vocal guy outside the bedroom, Felix couldn’t wait to try more things with Jack behind closed doors. He was sure he could blow the other man’s mind, far beyond simple oral. 

Jack cried out and threw his head back, then bent back over Felix’s head like he couldn’t stay still as he fucked Felix’s mouth. “Fe’,” he choked out, strangled. “Close, so fucking close, fuck…”

Felix just hummed and kept watching Jack, wanting to see his face. Jack whimpered and fumbled, nails clawing up Felix’s back. His mouth fell open and his hips thrust up one last time before he came down Felix’s throat, babbling nonsense, shaking. Felix made himself swallow, not even gagging at the taste. He could gag at any taste, he was pretty proud of himself for managing to swallow. Jack fell back onto the sheets, panting, running his own hands through his hair. Felix’s back stung from where Jack had left claw marks and he loved it. 

“Yeah?” he asked, needing affirmation.

“Oh fuck yeah,” Jack murmured, his chest heaving. Felix grinned and crawled up his body, settling against his side. He glanced over Jack to see the clock and winced.

“Midnight, Jacky,” he said, rubbing Jack’s stomach and hips and leg. He ghosted his fingertips across the sensitive skin of Jack’s inner thigh and smirked when Jack whimpered. “We should get you to bed. Got an early morning tomorrow.”

“Fucking hate running,” Jack mumbled, barely able to form coherent words. 

“I know you do,” Felix hummed, pressing his lips to Jack’s neck as he pulled the sheets up to cover the other man. “Hey, at least you’ll be running behind me for most of it. That means you get to stare at my amazing ass the whole time.”

He heard Jack giggle. “Maybe ye’ can persuade me…”

“Night, Sean,” Felix murmured, finally letting himself fall asleep. He barely heard Jack’s own well wishing, but he was confident Jack would sleep like the dead tonight. And hopefully, his own jaw wouldn't be too sore the next morning.

. . .

Felix woke up at the ass crack of dawn, as fucking always, and faced the day with excitement. He looked to Jack at his side, his heart swelling at the sight of the Irishman sleeping so peacefully, though he really just wanted to wake him up and get their fucking day going. He thrummed with energy that he shouldn’t have considering how late he’d stayed up last night getting Jack off.

God, Jack looked really good when he was cumming. Felix definitely wanted to see more of that in the future. He nudged Jack to wake him up. Jack slurred something unintelligible and then rolled over as Felix got up and went through Jack’s drawers to get a pair of gym shorts. They were shorter than he was usually comfortable with, but he wasn’t going to complain. He wasn’t going to bother with a t-shirt, either. He knew that, regardless of the dreary, cold weather, Felix would work up a sweat soon enough.

“Fucking wake up,” Felix griped, nudging Jack again. Jack weakly threw a pillow at him, which Felix let bounce off his head and onto the floor. He smirked and kicked the bed. “Wake up.”

“‘M sleepin’,” Jack groaned. Felix rolled his eyes and crawled back onto the bed, straddling Jack’s hips. He then reached under the covers and placed his cold hands over Jack’s stomach, laughing and pinning Jack down as the other man shrieked and tried to buck him off. “Fuckin’ cold, you arse!” Jack shouted, kicking out uselessly. 

“Get up, you Irish scum!” Felix cackled, finally releasing him and getting out of bed. Jack sat up, looking like he was ready to shout at Felix, but faltered, hand in midair. He stared at Felix’s chest with a faint blush. Felix raised a cocky brow, resting his hands on his hips. “See something you like?”

“How the fuck do you make those shorts look good?” Jack asked, his voice a little higher in pitch than usual. “Those are from me fucking high school gym course. They’re halfway down yer thighs, how the fuck do you look that good?”

“I always look good,” Felix said haughtily, though he was secretly really pleased Jack thought he didn’t look like a joke. “Get up. We’re going on a jog.”

“As long as I can stay behind ye’,” Jack said, still staring. “Turn around real quick.”

Felix actually flushed a little. He definitely wasn’t used to be ogled. “I’ll turn around once you’re up. Get dress, Seán, I meant it when I said that we’re going.”

Jack groaned and flopped back onto the bed. “I can’t run.”

“You fucking liar,” Felix accused. “C’mon. Run with me to the best place to get breakfast. It’ll be our first date.”

That got Jack out of bed

. . .

When they reached the cute little cafe, Felix had barely broken a sweat and Jack was heaving for breath. Felix could tell Jack was grumpy and he was going to suggest turning the run back to Jack’s place into a brisk walk. Just because Felix was tired.

“Don’t you feel a little better?” Felix asked as he sat down at a small, round table with his coffee and danish. Jack wore a surly expression, giving Felix the stink eye, still breathing heavily. His nose was all scrunched and he looked cute. Felix giggled a little and waved for Jack to sit in front of him, who had a muffin and a frou-frou drink. 

“I feel like shite,” Jack grumbled. “Me legs hurt. Me arms hurt. Me chest hurts, too. And me brain is fuzzy and I feel lightheaded. This is why I don’t run, Fe’. I just feel like shit after, and then I start thinking badly of myself and then it just ruins my day and everything gets worse and worse.”

Felix raised a brow. “You say it sucked even though I know for a fact you were watching my ass the whole time?”

Jack still looked grumpy, but he pulled his lips up in a pout and took a grumpy bite of his muffin. “Yer the one wearing those shorts.”

Felix smirked over his drink. “… We should talk about this.”

“Talk about what?”

“Us,” Felix clarified. “You and me. What we wanna do. How it’s gonna work. Who’s gonna do what and shit. We’re both a little more famous than the average person. But we don’t have the luxury most celebrities do when it comes to just ignoring what people say. If we come out or something, then they can come right at as like a bunch of monsters. We won’t be able to block them out unless we, like, delete our channels and shit.”

“I ain’t deleting shit,” Jack said. 

Felix snorted. “I will when I hit a hundred million subs, but who’s counting? It doesn’t matter, anyways. I’ll do it if you do it.” Jack just snorted. “I figured. Then does that mean…”

“We don’t have to tell anyone,” Jack said. “‘Cept Mark.”

“Obviously,” Felix agreed.

Jack stared down at his half eaten muffin. “Do you want something like this? Something with me? Apparently the fucking weather can turn me into a blubbering mess. If I’m that much of a problem, I don’t know if it’s a good idea for you and me to have something.”

“I don’t care about that shit,” Felix told him. “I have problems of my own.”

“Does the sun make you sad?” Jack asked dryly. “I don’t think it does. I’m apparently just such a fucking sissy that I can be brought into a horrible depression by the fuckin’ weather. That doesn’t sound like a fun boyfriend. Not like the kind of person you’d date.”

“You have no idea who I’d date!” Felix laughed, kicking Jack lightly under the table. “For all you know, I date only grumpy Irishmen who have a habit of screaming too loudly.”

“I guess I’ll have to set you up with someone,” Jack replied easily as he spun his drink with a straw. “There are plenty o’ loud Irishmen here in fucking Ireland.”

Felix sighed. “Is that how this is gonna be?” he asked. “You putting yourself down, and me insisted that I really just like you? Like, really really like you. Will you never believe me? Am I gonna have to fight you on this forever?”

“Forever?” Jack’s eyes went wide at that word.

“Close enough,” Felix said. “I just want you happy with me. But if you’re gonna always think you’ll never be happy with, or that I’ll never be happy, then should we even try to do this at all? Is it worth the hiding we’ll have to do?”

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Jack rushed to say, finally loosing the surliness he’d had since the run. “I’m not usually like this. I really… It’s fucking dumb, but I feel like it is the weather. I think it makes me shorter. Testier. And it’s easier for me to feel, uh… Less.” He looked up to Felix. “I know this has to be hard on ye’. I’m really sorry.”

“I’ve had harder,” Felix said with a wink. Jack rolled his eyes and threw a muffin crumb at his head. “I’m serious!” Felix laughed. “You’re not the only person with problems. I can be pretty difficult too.”

“Do you have a fucking disease that gets shortened to the word sad?” Jack asked dryly. 

“No, but I’m a pretty fucked up person,” Felix said. “Nothing certifiable, but have you seen the shit I create?”

“Yeah,” Jack agreed with a grin. “You’ve got to be pretty fucked up to make the content you do. Watching anime porn and shit.”

“It’s called hentai and it’s an art,” Felix joked, finishing his coffee. “All I’m trying to tell you, Seán, is that if we’re gonna call it quits just because you get sad when there are clouds, then I’m gonna be pretty pissed. I like you more than some shitty weather. And some dumb acronym.”

Jack smiled shyly. “Yeah? How much do you like me?”

Felix laughed. “I like you enough to put up with your shitty attitude, that’s for sure.” He wiped his hands and stood. “C’mon, we should be heading back. Don’t want to get rained in.” Jack was starting shamelessly at Felix’s legs again. Felix rolled his eyes before lifting his leg and setting his foot on the seat of the chair, shamelessly stretching his hamstrings and watch Jack the whole time. “You know, you can’t do a damn thing about this until we’re back at your place.”

“Yer fucking indecent like this,” Jack huffed. “Put that away.” He pushed Felix’s leg off the seat as he stood, passing Felix. “Race ye’ home, fucker.”

“What?” Felix jumped as Jack started running again, heading down the street. “I don’t know the fucking way back!” Jack was already too far ahead

. . .

When they got back, Jack called the first shower and Felix went onto his channel to make sure Michael and Brad were handling things. He got a chuckle out of the video descriptions, knowing damn well they were making fun of him. Half of the description was in Swedish and saying some poorly translated bullshit about Felix putting hotdogs up his own ass. Felix got a pretty good laugh out of it. 

Jack came into his room and paused when he saw Felix on his computer. Felix looked up and waved. Disappointingly enough, Jack had clothes on. It was amazing to think he’d been able to pull those fucking tight ass skinny jeans up wet legs. “What’re ya doin?” Jack asked, looking a little alarmed. “Did you search anything?”

“PornHub, yeah,” Felix told him as he looked over his channel

“Fuck off,” Jack grumbled, striding to Felix’s side and trying to find any tabs Felix could still have open. Felix laughed at how frantic he seemed. “Don’t fucking laugh at me,” Jack grumbled. “This is my personal computer, there’s shit on here I don’t want no one and their mother to be seeing.”

“And what would that be?” Felix asked, grinning widely. He took the mouse from Jack and went to the history, listening to Jack protest angrily and ignoring all of his protests. He fended Jack’s flailing off with one arm while the other looked through all the websites visited in the past week or so. He saw PornHub, but what kind of guy didn’t watch porn, that wasn’t juicy enough for Jack to be so upset over. He saw this other website, one he wasn’t familiar with. “Archive of our own?” he read, squinting at the text. He clicked on the link and it brought him to a page with a red banner and a wall of text. He read over the first few sentences with a frown. “… Is this fanfiction about us?”

“I’m gonna castrate ye’ if you don’t stop,” Jack deadpanned. 

“How long have you been reading fucking fanfiction about us?” Felix asked, giggling. “Oh my god, and it’s written so well. Not at all like the shit about me and Cry. What the fuck, why don’t Cry and I get this sort of treatment?” Felix shook his head. “It’s cause they like you so much.”

“Felix, please.”

Felix tore his eyes from the screen, faltering in his enjoyment when he heard how choked up Jack sounded. He looked to the other man and saw his face was whiter than usual, his eyes a little crazy. Felix closed out of the page through his peripherals and brought his hands away from the computer. “I’m done,” he said gently. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You don’t know how hard it’s been,” Jack said, wringing his hands in his shirt. “I’ve been in lo- I-I’ve liked you for years, Felix. Since I first saw ye playing SCP, I’ve wanted ye. You don’t know how hard it’s been, standing back and just watching. When you mentioned me from the contest, I felt like that was the first time I’d ever mattered. But after that, I had to keep going with ye’. I scrambled for anything that would bring your attention back to me, I needed to know you, I needed to be yer friend, I was…” Jack looked away, his eyes wet. “I couldn’t, Felix. I needed you and you weren’t mind and I didn’t…”

“Jesus,” was all Felix could say when Jack trailed off. “I, I’m sorry.”

“God, don’t be,” Jack sighed, sitting down on the floor. “How could you have known? I didn’t tell anyone. Only really told Mark. He was good about it, kept telling me not to give up, that I’d get somewhere eventually, but it was hard. Some nights I’d just be a fucking idiot and cry about it. Those were the worst.”

Felix reached out and rested a hand on Jack’s shoulder, just wanting to show he was there and listening. 

“It was just lonely,” Jack said, looking up at Felix with a broken expression. “You have no idea how alone I felt. I felt empty half the time, and the other half was just anger. I didn’t know why I wasn’t good enough. I just wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough.”

“You were good enough,” Felix sighed. “That was the entire reason why you won that contest, Jack. You were more than good enough, you were amazing. I wouldn’t have chosen you otherwise. And it’s not like you couldn’t have made it, even without me. With or without the shoutout, you were gonna be big. I think I just kinda hit the fast forward button a little.”

“You were my hero, Felix,” Jack said, sounding tortured. “And you barely even knew me when I just wanted to be someone you called your friend. So, when we started being friends? When you talked to me and shit? I clung to that. I watched the collabs we did, obsessed over every detail and hoped I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. Mark called it hero worship, but it was more than that. We both knew it was.” Jack began to chew on his lower lip. Felix wanted to put his own lips there so Jack would stop hurting himself. He’d seen Jack manage to make his lips bleed. “I needed to know you, Fe’. I just needed to know you.”

“And you turned out to be one of the best friends I’ve ever had,” Felix said softly. “Doesn’t that seem worth it?”

Jack smiled shakily. “One of the best friends I’ve ever had too. No one else has ever flown over an ocean to find me just because I was quiet for a few days. Like, that’s amazing, Fe’. I-I never thought I would be so important to anyone. Especially not you.”

“I’d cross the world for you,” Felix said softly, meaning every word. Jack looked up at him with wider eyes like he couldn’t believe Felix was saying that to him. Felix reached down and took one of Jack’s hands, bringing it to his lips to kiss Jack’s knuckles, all the while maintaining their gaze. A whimper fell past Jack’s lips when Felix turned Jack’s hand over to kiss gently at his wrist. Felix pulled Jack up onto his knees and pulled Jack to sit up between Felix’s thighs. He took Jack’s face in his hands and kissed him slowly, relishing his taste and the raw emotion he could see behind Jack’s eyes. 

“My chest hurts,” Jack whispered. “And not in a good way, Fe’. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But only you make it feel a little better. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” Felix promised him. “You’re just feeling the weather. No one’s expecting you to be okay. I’ve got you, okay? I’m gonna take care of you.” He pulled back from Jack’s lips to kiss his forehead. “And look at what you’ve done today— you’ve gone on a run, eaten breakfast, taken a shower, and gotten dressed. That’s amazing, Seán. I’m proud of you.”

Jack snorted a laugh. “You making fun of me?”

“Not at all,” Felix hummed. “People with depression have a hard time doing anything. I’m really proud you’ve done so much already. And we’re gonna do just a little more, okay? You’re gonna do your video quota and then you and I are gonna go out for dinner, just to get you some more sunlight. Then we’re gonna talk to Mark. Let him know we’re alive.”

“Fuck, Mark.” Jack groaned and brought a hand to the side of his head. “We probably should say something now. Just in case. I feel bad, ya know. He was there for me for a long time. And then I just ignored him cause of a few bad days…”

“Mark, of all people, will understand,” Felix assured him. “Let’s get your set up running. Is it cool if I just sit to the side and watch? I swear I won’t bother you.”

“Won’t that be boring for you?” Jack asked skeptically. 

“I watch your videos all the time,” Felix replied. “This’ll be like having a backstage pass.” Jack looked pleased to know Felix watched him. “Just let me hang around for one? I’ll leave you alone when you edit. Just kinda wanna hang out with you. Even if it’s watching you play.”

“Make yerself comfy on the bed,” Jack said, giving in with a smile. Felix jumped out of the chair and climbed in between the familiar sheets, peeking out at Jack just barely from over the covers. Jack sat down in his amazing race car chair and pulled on his headphones.

“What’re you playing?” Felix asked, unable to remain completely silent until it was necessary.

“Planet Coaster,” Jack said.

“Oh my god, I’ve always wanted to play that. I fucking ruled at Rollercoaster Tycoon.”

Jack smirked a bit, eyes twinkling as he looked to over to Felix. “We should play together sometime. Maybe you could actually help me get to be any fucking good at this game. I’m shite at this, Felix. I can barely make any fucking money.”

“I’d fuck you in the game, then fuck you in real life,” Felix deadpanned.

Jack groaned loudly and threw a pencil from his desk at Felix. Felix ducked under the covers to protect himself. “I’m gonna need ye’ to shut the fuck up fer once in yer life while I’m playing, Felix. Wouldn’t want people to know my dirty little secret.”

“Uh, I’m anything but little,” Felix corrected, wiggling his brow. 

“I’m gonna fuck you up if you don’t shut up, seriously,” Jack chuckled, eyes trained on the screen as he set up the recording software. Felix could literally observe the moment Jack slipped into work mode and lied back comfortably on the bed, ready to watch quietly. He wasn’t about to push his luck. Jack took his work seriously and Felix could respect that. He didn’t want to ruin the vibe and piss Jack off.

It was something else to watch Jack work, too. He looked like he was having fun, but Felix could tell he was laser-focused, all of his attention on this one game, fucking Planet Coaster of all things. Felix loved listening to Jack’s narrations, even though he could see every single mistake Jack was making with his roller coaster park. It was hard not to interrupt and offer advice. He knew Jack just wanted to do this sort of thing himself. No one knew Felix was in Ireland, either. Couldn’t explain that one to the viewers easily without stepping into their precious Septiplier territory. 

Jack was a master, though. His commentary flowed seamlessly and never faltered in entertainment value. Felix was a little jealous. He was bad at talking when he was paying close attention to something. Jack, though, could talk forever about anything even while doing the most complicated of activities. Like building a roller coaster that weaved through another roller coaster and went above the line of shops Jack had built way too sporadically. There was so much wrong with his park. At a certain point, Felix knew that even he wouldn’t be able to save Jack’s park. 

Still, that didn’t stop him from admiring the other man. He would get so frustrated when he couldn’t get the ride to work however he wanted, and his cue lines were shit. Felix had to muffle himself frequently in the blanket, desperate to not make a sound that could be picked up by Jack’s mic. He was almost tempted to make just enough noise to be noticed and then spur a fucking riot of people wondering who was in Jack’s room. Jack started his next game and Felix could’ve praised some random god, because it was a horror game. Felix was going to fuck with him. 

Felix didn’t know this game, wasn’t very into the indie horror lately, though he still regretted never playing SOMA while it was still relevant. Jack was playing something called Routine, and really, Felix was interested. He’d always loved that eighties vibe in space. It reminded him of Alien, a game he often replayed because why wouldn't you?

The game Jack was playing, though, seemed pretty original on its own. Felix wished he could reach in and play on his own. Especially when the fucking robot starting outright running after Jack down the hall. Felix only barely kept himself from screaming when Jack was killed by something monstrous from behind. Jack definitely did scream. 

When Jack had to respawn two minutes back, Felix had his chance. He slid to the floor, crawling silently across the ground towards Jack’s chair. Jack was so fucking focused on sneaking around silently in the game that he didn’t noticed Felix crawl up behind his chair. And right when Jack was peaking around a corner to see if that robot was back, Felix reached out and grabbed the back of Jack’s knees.

Jack fucking shrieked. His legs shot out, nearly kicked a whole in the wall, and he knocked his microphone and camera over. Felix looked up and saw he was perfectly in the shot, showing how he was laughing his fucking ass off, being a piece of shit. Jack started shouting at him, random garbled anger, Felix was pretty sure he wasn’t using actual words. But fuck, was he mad. And Felix couldn’t stop laughing. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill ye’!” Jack shouted, grabbing a book and throwing it at Felix’s back. “You fucking arsehole, I’m gonna fucking snap yer neck!”

Felix’s side hurt amor how much he was laughing. He began to wheeze, unable to actually get air into his lungs. He knew he was just a fucking asshole at this point, but Jack had sounded so much like a girl that it was uncanny. He couldn’t regain control of his laughter. He was going to die like this. He was totally okay with that. 

Felix dropped onto his side, holding his stomach, basically choking on air at this point. Jack was still yelling while he was going clicking around on his computer, probably doing something with the game or the recording. “Yer the biggest fucking arsehole and I hope ye’ fucking choke on it!”

After Felix had finally calmed down enough to speak, he grinned up at Jack and said, “can I call you Sheila from now on?”

“Fucking Sheila?!” Jack sounded offended. “Got a name like Seán, and you give me fucking Sheila! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jack picked up a stuffed SepticEye and threw it at Felix. “Fuckin’ worst boyfriend ever.”

“Fuck, I love you,” Felix said, lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling and smiling. He looked to Jack and saw the other man’s expression had faded from anger to awe. 

“Fuck off,” Jack blurted out. Antagonism was his default. Felix loved it. 

“I’d rather fuck you,” Felix said. 

“I can’t believe you,” Jack mumbled, sitting back in his chair and pulling on his headphones. “I can’t believe you don’t take this shit seriously.”

“I dunno, I did put a lot of thought into the name Sheila.”

“We can’t all be the fucking most subscribed, some of us still have to fucking work.”

Felix had to pause. That had sounded a little more harsh than teasing. He looked up at Jack, still on the floor, a little nervous to be in the room now. Felix opened his mouth to say something, but then he saw Jack glaring at him in the fixed camera angle, so Felix closed his mouth and left the room. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d done wrong, really. Jack hadn’t sounded any characteristically angrier than when he’d mess up in some game. But apparently Felix had gone too far. 

“Fuck, I’m bad at this,” Felix sighed, running a hand through his hair as he settled in the living room. He felt like a kid in time out, but worse, because he’d never meant to actually hurt anyone, hadn’t thought he was doing something wrong, and hadn’t wanted to make Jack mad at him. He felt awful now. Not even a day into their relationship, and he was already fucking things up. Felix cast his attention to the closed door of Jack’s room and heard Jack narrating again. Jack was carrying on like nothing had happened, probably. 

Felix brought his knees to his chest and contented himself with reliving what he’d done wrong and feeling like shit about it. It was the least he deserved for making Jack so upset.


	3. Sweetening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta cause i suck sorry i'll edit it after work

It took fifteen minutes, though.

Fifteen minutes of Felix sitting there, feeling sorry for himself, before Jack came out of his room and just sort of barreled into Felix, shoving his head into Felix’s chest and pushing him down onto the couch. Felix was thoroughly bewildered.

“‘M sorry,” Jack mumbled into his shirt. “I, I blew up at ye’. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

“I really don’t know what I did wrong,” Felix admitted. “I just, I thought it was funny.”

“Fuck, Felix.”

Jack didn’t say anything else. That was enough to put him on edge. If Jack was at a loss of words for himself, something was wrong. Something Felix didn’t want to consider. The idea of the depression being severe enough to actually sway Jack’s moods like this was a little different from just feeling down when the weather was gray. Felix almost wished he could convince Jack to move somewhere a little less dreary, a little more vibrant. Like to LA with Mark. Or maybe somewhere south of here. Italy or Portugal. What about South America? Puerto Rico was popular place for people to spend their vacation time. Maybe Jack should move there for good. Because Felix knew, without a doubt, that Ireland was a lot more downtrodden with rain and clouds than not. And if Jack was succumbing this severely, something needed to change. 

“Felix?” Jack called out. “Are ya still there?”

“Have you thought about going to a doctor?” Felix asked, looking up at the boy, holding his face in his hands. “I mean it. I don’t know how the healthcare shit works here, but you’ve got to have some options. What about a therapist? Medications?”

“I don’t need any of that,” Jack said, appearing a little on edge.

“Jack, the weather isn’t going to get any better.” Felix realized he was going to have to beg. “This needs to be fixed. You need help, I think. I mean, maybe I’m overreacting—”

“You are overreacting.”

“—But stuff like this can get serious. And you said you can’t explain why you acted that way, so something’s wrong, Seán. Something’s seriously wrong.” Felix sat up, maintaining eye contact, pleading with the Irishman. “And Jacky, if something’s wrong? If someone is actually, honest to god wrong, I don’t want to say that I sat back and watched it happen. I don’t want you to crash and burn. I-if you want something serious with me, then you’ve got to seriously consider that you’re a little messed up in the head. More than the average person.” Probably the wrong way to put it, especially with how Jack pulled away from him, his face shutting down. 

“I’m fine,” Jack told him sharply. “There’s nothing wrong with me. Not anymore wrong than you. Fucking look at you— you flew over here just because I ignored you for a few days. Talk about fucking clingy.”

“I deserve that,” Felix said, attempting to hide how the jab hurt. “I’m just trying to make you understand that I’m saying all of this because I care about you, Seán. I don’t want to see you end up in some rut of sadness. I don’t want this to get any worse and I don’t want you to lash out on someone you care about and say something you’ll regret.”

“I said I’m fine,” Jack bit out, crossing his arms over his chest. “It, it’s just the weather. It’ll go away.”

“And if it doesn’t?” Felix asked softly, reaching out to try and pull Jack close again. The man kept himself out of Felix’s reach. He could see the man felt a little like a caged animal. Like he wanted out of the conversation, out of the room, but felt he couldn’t escape. “If the mood swings keep happening, if you keep feeling this sad, what will we do?”

“Nothing, because there’s nothing wrong.”  
 Felix sighed. “Just, work with me. Please.”

“I’m serious!” Jack insisted, hunching over a little. He was pulling away from Felix in every way possible without ever actually getting off the couch. “God, what do ye’ want from me? An apology? I’m sorry for being a fucking asshole, Felix, I’m having a hard time now. What do ye’ expect?”

“You’re not having fun right now,” Felix said. “Neither am I. I want to change that.”

“Life isn’t always fucking fun.”

“But that doesn’t mean we have to make things harder for ourselves.” Felix tried to reach out again. Jack stayed away. “Seán, if I’m wrong, then I’ll admit to it. But I really don’t think I am. You used to laugh at the stupidest fucking things, and now you barely smile if you’re not being recorded. That’s not you, Seán, and everyone knows it. I could call up Robin or Bob and they’d say the same thing Mark and I have been saying.”

“You’re all delusional,” Jack tried to defend. He was looking less and less combative by the second. “Ye’ just want to pump me with drugs and make me normal, right? Or someone less loud. Want to make me different.”

“What?” Felix resisted the urge to throw his arms in the arm. “Seán, why the fuck would I even want that? I fell in love with a dumb Irish guy with bright green hair and a really loud, squeaky voice. If you suddenly dropped your pitch to something like Mark, I’d think you were possessed. And the entire problem is that you’re not being loud and acting like you normally do. Don’t you see? I want the old Jack back. I want you to feel like yourself again because I fucking love you. I didn’t fall in love with a gloomy, mopey person. I fell in love with you.”

He paused, then reached out a third time. Jack unwrapped an arm from around his side and took Felix’s hand, holding onto his fingers between their bodies. That was something. Jack’s expression was pensive, like he was becoming convinced. At least he was listening. Felix was grateful for that. 

“I’m not saying we’re gonna go to the doctor,” Felix said softly. “I’m not saying that we’re gonna pump you full of drugs. I’m just saying you should think about it. And I’m saying that if you stay in this place, I don’t think your depression is gonna get any better. Because Ireland gets, like, three days of sun a year. If you get sad when the sun’s gone, and the sun’s gone three hundred sixty two days of the year, then we’re gonna have a problem.”

“We?” Jack repeated. There was this edge of hope in his voice that made Felix’s heart clench. 

“Of course we,” Felix told him, tugging Jack a little closer. Jack crawled across the couch, stopping to sit with their knees touching. “I’m fucking dating you know. We can’t break up after literally a day. I’m not that much of a quitter.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack said. “I’m actually really sorry. Not, not the shitty sorry that I was a few seconds ago. I’m sorry. For saying that shit. For insulting you and yer channel. I don’t think yer videos are stupid.”

“Well, that’s too bad, cause my videos kinda supposed to be stupid, so…” Felix trailed off with a snicker, and Jack pulled the barest smile. “Seriously, Seán, they’re pretty stupid, and that’s how I make them. I kinda like stupid. It makes me laugh and I want to make other people laugh. So I really don’t mind that stuff.”

“But you earned what ye’ve got,” Jack told him. “I’m an arse fer saying ye’ don’t. And I’m so fucking happy you flew over here to help me. I don’t deserve ye’. And you definitely don’t deserve the way I was talking to ye’.”

“I wasn’t using my words right,” Felix told him. “Really, Jack. It’s okay.”

“I, uh, I should eat.” Jack looked up at Felix, like he was asking permission. Which was way too fucking up for Felix to think about, or even address right now. He just sort of pat Jack’s hand and leaned in to peck his cheek before heaving himself up and off the comfy couch. 

“Macaroni sound good?” Felix asked. “I’d like to go to the market later. Get some ground beef. I can make you my special Swedish meatballs.”

“I don’t need you to make the meatballs for me to enjoy some Swedish balls on my own,” Jack mumbled, cracking a grin, watching Felix like he wanted to make sure Felix was enjoying his joke. Felix grinned back and reached out to tousle Jack’s hair.

“Only if you ask nicely,” he told Jack with a stupid wink.

“Pretty sure you’d be asking me,” Jack said, continuing the banter as they walked to Jack’s cute little kitchen. His entire apartment was cute and little, like him. “If I were sucking ye’, you’d be begging.”

“God, Jack, I just want to make you dinner,” Felix laughed. “You don’t have to make everything about sex.”

“Don’t I?” Jack shot back with a cheek smirk. He lifted himself up to sit on the counter. Felix almost got whiplash from how quickly Jack’s mood had improved. He wanted to get Jack out of Ireland. He knew that now. Felix went into the cupboard and pulled out a the box of stovetop macaroni. “I’m just saying, we’d be having a lot more fun if we were really messing around with those authentic Swedish balls instead of making macaroni.”

“You need to eat, you Irish fuck,” Felix chided.

“I could always eat you,” Jack told him. 

Felix held up a spoon to threaten the other man. Jack laughed and kicked out at Felix from the counter while Felix made him lunch. “I could always just stop making you food,” he said. “You wouldn’t like that very much.”

“That’s literally what I want,” Jack replied. “I am just short of actually asking ye’ to stop making me food so I can play with your Swedish balls.” 

Felix looked to Jack with a disproving expression and chose not to comment. Jack’s face grew solemn and he hung his head with a pout, kicking his feet like a petulant child. “‘M sorry,” he mumbled. “Just feel like I have to be a good, ye’ know? Or else I’ll just end up being a depressing fuckwad. There’s no in between, Fe’. And I don’t wanna be the other one, so…”

“You know, you could always just be Seán,” Felix told him. “You don’t have to be the loud Jacksepticeye. And honestly, it’s okay to be sad. It is. If you want to be sad, you can be sad. Just don’t forget to treat people right.” Felix mad himself smile in a hopefully reassuring way. “Now help me make your dinner, you lazy fuck. Unless you plan on setting the table. Otherwise, stop looking cute and put that sexy ass to work.”

. . .

“Can we buy chocolate?” Jack asked as he tried to pull Felix off from his path. Felix was heading for the ground beef, and then the spices, then the pasta, then the checkout. He had no intentions of shopping around, and never did. He had his list and that was it. Not having a list meant that money would be spent recklessly and the budget would get fucked. Felix couldn’t have that. 

Jack was apparently the opposite. 

He would get distracted by every little thing, would go to the aisle with the candy, then the aisle with the pasta, then the aisle with the fucking condiments and shit, and then be back with the candy in minutes. Jack bought what he thought looked yummy and seemed to always shop on an empty stomach. It was actually almost cute, especially whenever Jack would come back, unload his food into the cart, and then kiss Felix’s cheek and hold his hand before disappearing again. Felix already had a shit ton of produce back at Jack’s place, but he had apparently not bought enough potatoes to satisfy Jack. It was ridiculous how he lived up to the stereotype. 

“We don’t have enough sugar fer the cookies I wanna bake,” Jack explained after returning to the car with a pound of cane sugar. Felixs’ molars ached as he thought about how sweet those cookies were going to be. 

“You know we just came here for meat and pasta, right?” Felix asked with a fond smile.

“Y’ain’t had me cookies,” Jack told him, waggling a finger. “So you can keep talking shit, but once ye’ve had me cookies, I know you’re gonna eat your words. Or, just eat me again.” Felix rolled his eyes and pushed the cart to checkout. He didn’t want Jack to end up buying half the store. 

“We don’t need coffee ice cream,” he told Jack as he unloaded the cart, scrutinizing every item.

Jack giggled and Felix looked to him. “What’re you laughing about?”

“The way ye’ say we,” Jack replied. “And how we’re being all domestic. Kinda, like… Kinda something I used to dream about, stupidly enough. I literally used to dream about doing dumb, mundane shit like this with ye’. And now that I’ve got it, I just, I-I feel like laughing. Giddiness and shit. Feels good, Fe’. Feels really good.”

Felix cleared his throat and looked away so Jack wouldn’t see his cheeks redden. Jack giggled again and started to help unload the cart. “I really like it,” Jack said. “And it’s dumb and probably makes me the girl. But I like doing stupid things with ye’. Makes me feel like we’re really some sort of couple.”

“We are a couple,” Felix replied. “You get that, right?”

Jack bit his lip. “Yeah?”

“I’m getting the feeling I’m gonna be having to convince you I like you even on my deathbed,” Felix sighed. 

“We’re a couple?” 

Felix rolled his eyes and started to bag up the groceries as the cashier scanned them through. “Help me bag, honey?” he asked, making sure his voice was dripping with sweetness. He held up the paper bags and waited for Jack to spring to action. Jack was still standing there in slight shock, and Felix knew, knew that he was gonna have to sit him down for a serious and somewhat embarrassing conversation about relationship stuff. Felix was bad at it, but apparently Jack was worse. Felix ended up just kicking Jack’s shoe and holding him into action that way. 

Jack was grinning like an idiot as he put away the tea he had insisted on having. “This is a good day,” Jack said, possibly to himself. “This is a very good day.”

. . .

The day didn’t end up being very good. It rained the whole time the sun was supposed to be shining, and Felix could literally watch the way Jack’s mood slowly worsened, like watching a battery drain.

“Maybe it’ll be sunny tomorrow,” Felix told him, trying to be positive.

But the next day was darker, colder, and rainier. So was the day after that. 

And then the day before Felix had to leave.

“The sun’s gone,” Jack mumbled into the sheets. The flat was warm but a dull gray regardless of how many warm lights Felix turned on. Ireland’s own personal brand of darkness was unparalleled and refused to be beaten. Felix had done everything he could. He’d cooked, cleaned, dragged Jack out for a run, talked him through the dark thoughts he was thinking, had even googled some fucking therapist that came highly recommended who Jack quickly shot down; nothing worked. It had only been a few days, yes, and this sort of thing took time to fix, but there hadn’t even been the slightest improvement. Felix had been worried regardless of the time crunch, but now he was even more worried. He had to leave the next day, had to get back to Brighton and to Brad and Michael, had to get to work. He had to leave Jack. He was terrified. 

_“We’ll keep an eye on him,”_ Mark said in a weak attempt to reassure Felix. _“It’s not like we don’t have literal daily surveillance opportunities. Just see how he looks int he video and give him a long chat about taking care of himself if you need to.”_

“You’ve apparently been out of a long distance relationship for too long,” Felix huffed. “Sitting back and just saying shit? That’s not gonna cut it.”

_“There has to be some degree of trust in a relationship like this…”_

“So you’re trying to tell me that you completely trust Jack to take care of himself and also think that I should be completely willing to just step back and let him do his thing, even though last time that happened, he went dark for days and we nearly lost him?”

 _“Okay, so maybe I chose my words poorly,”_ Mark sighed. _“But don’t you think Jack would be willing to take care of himself for you?”_

“Not at all,” Felix deadpanned. 

_“Well, damn. You guys are off to a great start.”_

“You haven’t seen how bad he gets,” Felix defended, tapping his toes restlessly. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for Jack to finish showering after their run. Jack had sent most of the run with a solemn, empty expression. He’d barely spoken to Felix through breakfast. “He spent thirty minutes in the bathroom yesterday, just staring into the sink. He started shaking during a movie last night. He nearly started crying because he was so frustrated with a game not working yesterday. I don’t want to leave him alone. He forgets to eat. He barely sleeps. I can’t…”

 _“You’re worried about him,”_ Mark said. _“I get it.”_

“Do you?” Felix asked. “Because you sounded pretty fucking critical before.”

_“I’m trying to be the voice of reason, Felix, don’t bite my head off.”_

Felix groaned and ran a hand over his face. “I’m worried. Just really worried.”

 _“I understand. But Jack is an adult. And I really do think you should trust him.”_ Mark paused. _“I think he’ll really appreciate it. But if it turns out he can’t, then I can definitely fly over for a few days and take care of him while you stock up enough to allow you to go over too.”_

“Who’re ye’ talkin’ to?” 

Felix tried his best to not look guilty when Jack came into the room. “Uh, Mark,” he said, knowing lying would be absolutely stupid. “Just, just talking to him. About stuff.”

“About me?” Jack looked really unhappy with Felix. “You couldn’t just fucking talk to me about whatever’s wrong with me, huh? Have to bring Mark into it. Have to bring Mark into everything, since you like him so much.”

“Seán, what the hell,” Felix sighed rather than asked. Jack’s expression wilted. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

“I know.” Felix bid Mark goodbye and hung up. Then he pat the bed. Jack sat down beside him, hands hanging between his knees. His green hair was still dripping and the thin t-shirt he was wearing was sticking to the still-damp parts of his skin. Felix still wondered how Jack managed to pulled on his skintight jeans immediately after a shower. Even in his depression, Jack looked good. “What’s going on in that head?” he asked. 

“Nothing,” Jack mumbled.

“Really?”

“Literally nothing,” Jack insisted. “Feel empty, Fe’. Uninspired. Listless. Disenchanted.”

“You read a dictionary recently,” Felix tried to joke to bring out a smile. It didn’t work.

“I don’t want to do anything,” Jack said. “I just want to lie down and forget. There’s nothing that I want to do. Nothing holds my interest today and I feel like I’m empty. Like, like there’s nothing in my chest. Just an empty cavern between my lungs.” Jack dragged his gaze to Felix, eyes heavy and dull. “The hardest part is that I don’t even feel like something’s wrong even though I know there must be.”

“I don’t want to leave you like this,” Felix told him.

“I don’t want you to leave at all,” Jack admitted.

“I have to,” Felix said. “Don’t I?”

“You do.” Jack looked away again. His right hand lifted and moved to Felix’s left, tangling their fingers together. Their entwined hands hung between their bodies as they sat in silence. Jack’s hand was warm against Felix’s skin. The rain pattered against the window, but as they sat, the downpour grew stronger, and the tapping grew louder. As the weather outside worsened, Jack’s hand got clammier and his grip tighter, until he was squeezing Felix’s hand white. 

“Seán,” Felix whispered. “It’s just rain.”

“I fucking hate it,” Jack bit out. Felix’s hand was beginning to hurt, but he wouldn’t pull away. “Want it to stop, Fe’. Want it all to stop. If it doesn’t fuck stop, I’ll…” Jack trailed off and his hand started to shake in Felix’s grip. “Just want it all to stop.”

“Seán,” Felix said carefully. “… You're scaring me.”

Jack flinched and snatched his hand away. Felix knew he shouldn’t have told the truth. “I’m not fucking sick,” Jack said. “Not anything. Just empty.”

“That’s not really healthy, either, Seán,” Felix tried to reason. “You need something. You need a doctor or—”  
 I just need you, Fe’,” Jack said. “And you’re leaving. You’re leaving me and I can’t even ask ye’ to stay, cause I know you have to go. You really, really have to. And I know I would leave if I were in the same position.” Jack started bouncing his leg. The entire bed shook with the jarring, quick movements. “You have to do what you have to do. I don’t blame ye’. Just wish you could be with me. Always.”

“God, Jack,” Felix choked out. “Don’t say those things.” He wouldn’t be able to take that plane tomorrow if Jack kept going. If Jack insisted on tearing his fucking heart out like this. “You have no idea how hard this is for me.”

“I know,” Jack said. “I’m sorry.”

Felix bent down, resting his head in his hands. “I don’t know what to do.” He was pretty sure Jack didn’t have a clue either. Every idea Felix gave was shot down. And Jack, as he’d said himself, was empty. Nothing in his chest. Felix wondered how Jack would respond if Felix asked if Jack loved him. 

“If I leave, will you be okay?” Felix asked. “Seriously. If I leave, will you feed yourself? Keep running? Actually eat decent food and not run yourself into the ground?”

Jack didn’t respond. 

“I really don’t like the silence.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jack said, his voice stiff. “I will. Cause I have to, right? I fucking have to be fine, or else you’ll have to come back and I’ll ruin your life. Just fucking drag ye’ down with my fucking problems. So yes, I will be fine.”

“You’re really not a burden, Seán.” Felix was getting exasperated at this point. 

“We should play a game together,” Jack said suddenly, apparently happy to ignore Felix. “Record it. Then you won’t have to worry about a video for another day when you get back.” Jack sat up and wiped his hands on his jeans. “What’s that dumb game you love. Gang something.”

“Gang Beasts,” Felix said. 

“Let’s play fucking Gang Beasts,” Jack said. He left the bedroom, presumably to go set up the game. Felix sat on the bed with an air of defeat. He knew he should pack his bag, but he felt like leaving Jack alone for much longer would only worsen his mood. 

. . .

 

Felix stood in front of airport security, his measly bag packed, and wished Jack were with him. The weak goodbye they’d given each other before Felix had gotten into the cab had left Felix feeling more than empty. 

Jack had been nearly unresponsive. He’d kissed Felix goodbye and stared at the toes. There had been tears in his eyes and Felix felt each second of broken silence like a knife in his chest. Jack hadn’t wanted to prolong the goodbye and make Felix late— that’s what he had said. Felix would’ve rather missed his plane if it had meant he’d get an extra few moments with Jack. If he had been able to make him smile at last once. 

The worst part was that it was still raining. Still fucking raining. He pulled out his phone and checked for the millionth time for something from Jack, but Jack’s name wasn’t among the messages he had on his screen. 

Felix heaved a sigh and went through security. He slept on the flight home, weary to the bone.

. . .

Felix remembered having wanted more. He remembered needing something to change, something more to come to his life and mix things up. He remembered wishing it would happen soon, so the monotony of video after video would just end. He remembered not wanting the pain of a loved one being involved in that saving grace of a scenario.

So when he got off of his flight and watched the video Jack had posted while waiting for his ride, of him and Jack sitting side by side on Jack’s couch, shoulders touching as they played the game, the last time he had seen Jack smile, Felix turned the fuck around, bought a ticket back to Ireland. Fuck the money, fuck the time, and fuck it all. He wasn’t going to stand back and watch Jack implode. 

The five hour trip felt shorter than it ever had before. His cab pulled up in front of Jack’s place and Felix told him to stay put, that they’d be leaving again soon, and climbed out of the cab. He hadn’t told anyone he was coming and he was jet lagged to fucking hell now, hungry as fucking anything, and basically ready to just keel over, but he needed to speak to Jack. He was going to speak to Jack.

He all but slammed his fist on the front door and waited for Jack to open up. 

Jack’s eyes were wild, his hair a mess. The last ten hours had apparently been hell on him as well. “Felix, what in the fuck—”

“You’re coming with me,” Felix interrupted, jabbing his finger towards the ground to show he meant business. “You’re packing your shit and getting on a plane or a boat or fucking whatever and coming with me back to Brighton. I’ve got actual fucking sunshine there and I’m not leaving you alone in this shit, not ever again, you hear me? So pack whatever the fuck you think you need and we’re leaving.”

“Are ye’ for real?” Jack asked, his voice shaking. 

“Do I look like I’m not for fucking real?” Felix asked. “Go fucking pack. I’m not gonna watch you suffer. You need the sun? Here comes the fucking sun. Get your things.”

Jack turned around and bounded to his room. Felix wasn’t sure if he was excited or intimidated, but he knew Jack needed this, knew he needed it too. It was the right thing to do, regardless of loyalty. Jack came back a few minutes later with a backpack in his hand and a frenzied expression. Felix could barely understand how confused Jack had to be. He would handle that later. Felix threw an arm over Jack’s shoulder and pulled him into the cab. As he sat down next to his boyfriend, he saw Jack was smiling, shakily and barely there, but at least it was there at all. 

“What’re we doing?” Jack asked him.

“Getting you the fuck out of here,” Felix replied. Jack smiled a little wider. and settled into Felix’s side. They fell into a content silence until the airport, both looking forward to seeing the sun again.


	4. After the Credits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chap thanks for reading <3
> 
> i'll beta it later, sorry, gotta go to work, have a good day!

Felix woke up on morning without Jack in bed beside him. 

That was rare. And very disconcerting.

Since bringing Jack to Brighton, it had been slow going with helping him adjust and feel a little better about existing in general. Jack would have a hard time getting out of bed, a hard time making himself eat, and a hard time going outside— not very different than when he’d been back in Ireland. Felix was patient. He could do this forever. He got used to waking up first, despite the fact that he always overslept, and he would always make sure to wake Jack up in only the best of ways. Gentle kisses, maybe a good breakfast, sometimes a blowjob. Felix was versatile and Jack was his boyfriend. He was also the one to bring Jack to this country anyways. It was his job to help Jack get better. He had a routine now and Jack? Jack woke up first. He was breaking the fucking routine.

Felix got out of bed with way more anxiety than energy than he would’ve referred for eight in the morning. He searched the flat, but Jack wasn’t there. That was even worse. He was about to call Jack and frantically demand where he was when he realized the sun was shining on the countertop of the kitchen. 

Oh.

Felix toed on his shoes and went outside. Jack was standing by the side of the street, still dressed in his pajamas, no shoes on his feet. His head was tilted back, eyes shut, and the sunlight was lighting up his face. Felix relaxed and stepped up quietly behind Jack, wrapping his arms around the other man form behind. Jack didn’t even flinch, just melted back into his chest, letting out a soft sigh. 

“Supposed to last all day,” Jack told him after a few moments of quiet. “And into tomorrow. Figured it’d be a waste to stay in doors.”

“We could hang out at the beach,” Felix suggested, just enjoying having Jack in his arms. “Go somewhere nice for breakfast, eat outside. We can record a vlog or something so you don’t have to worry about your schedule. Could even do some stupid skit or whatever.” Anything to keep Jack in the sunlight. He could throw out ideas for hours. Jack chuckled, the vibration warming Felix’s chest.

“You’re fucking spoiling me,” Jack told him. “Breakfast sounds pretty good, though. I need some Irish coffee. And fucking pancakes.”

Felix hummed his agreement, but Jack didn’t move despite the plans they now had. He wasn’t about to argue. The sun was warm and he could feel Jack breathing. Felix reset his chin on Jack’s shoulder and turned his head to pressed his lips to the sensitive spot behind Jack’s ear. Jack squirmed a little. “We are outside, ye’ fucker,” Jack snorted. “Don’t wanna get caught or something. Get a fine.”

“People make out in public all the time and I’m not allowed to smack some shit into them,” Felix retorted into Jack’s neck. “No one can say shit to me.”

“Except it’s gay, Fe’.”

“And?”

Jack shrugged. “… Ye’ ever think about coming out?”

“All the time,” and it was the truth. Felix thought about it a lot. He imagined being able to talk about Jack feely in his videos, about how he was going to spend his days with him, how he couldn’t wait to get back and have dinner with Jack, how he was excited to spend Mondays with him. Felix didn’t like lying to people, not for long, really. And he didn’t like keeping secrets. He wanted to be able to talk about Jack and do couples videos with him and be able to bring him into videos without having to explain things. But Jack was still having a hard time. Felix wasn’t going to press. 

“Well, hugging me like this and shit in public is a good way to come out regardless,” Jack sighed. Felix instantly pulled away and took a few steps back, shoulders hunched, but Jack faltered. “No, No, I-I didn’t mean it like that, Fe’. Didn’t want ye’ to go.”

“Then why’d you say it?” Felix asked gently. He didn’t want to start an argument. He was working on getting Jack to better communicate his more volatile emotions with the depression.

“I, I don’t know why I said it,” Jack said, and Felix believed him. “I don’t know, Fe’, I’m sorry. Can you come back?” Felix stepped forward and held to Jack again, though with a little less force. He wanted Jack to be able to bolt should he need to. “We can come out, Fe’,” Jack said, surprising him. “I want to. I think it’ll be hard, yeah, and a ton of people will probably hate us, but it’s better than acting like you’re my dirty little secret. You’re worth more than that. You don’t deserve to be treated like the porno mags I kept under my mattress.”

“Oh my god, did you bring those with you?” Felix asked. “Those sound important, we should have someone mail them to us.”

“Felix, come on.”

Felix cracked a grin. “We don’t have to, Seán. I’m not opposed to being your porno magazines, that sounds pretty sexy. And you’re still working through your shit. We’re still working out the living stuff. You really don’t have to worry about it.”

“I’m not worrying about it. I want it.”

Felix paused. “We’ll talk about it over breakfast or something, yeah? For now, I want you to eat.” He felt Jack sigh, so he kissed his neck again. “I can feel your stomach growling. Don’t fight me on this shit.”

Jack groaned and turned in Felix’s arms to face him. “Pancakes?”

“The pancakes you can eat.”

. . .

After breakfast, Felix went to the office and Jack followed. Jack had his own little setup near Felix’s in one of the other offices, a temporary set up that Felix hoped would become a little less than temporary one day. He could sometimes hear Jack shouting out his intro if he tried hard enough and, while his microphone never picked up the noise Jack would make, Felix would smile inexplicably and at random during his videos now. People noticed. People said shit. He didn’t respond, and he wasn’t going to. That was just how it had to be.

He was in the middle of clipping his latest recording when he heard Jack call his name. At first, he thought it was a fluke, that he was hearing things. But then he heard his name again, so he got out of his chair and hesitantly went into Jack’s recording room.

Jack was sitting in the office chair Felix had given him, headphones on, talking to the camera, though Felix wasn’t paying attention to what was being said. He crept in, not sure if he had been summoned on purpose. Jack caught his reflection on his screen and lit up. 

“There he is!” Jack exclaimed. “The man of the hour!”

“Uh, hey,” Felix said, waving to the camera. Jack reached out and pulled Felix down onto his knees so he was a little closer to Jack’s height and in frame. Felix still had no idea what he was supposed to be doing. 

“As I was saying, Felix has really been helping me out these past few weeks,” Jack told the camera. “It’s why I’ve got the new setup and the, the chair and stuff. He’s been letting me stay with him and there’s been movie dates and shit and he’s been an amazing friend and an even better boyfriend,” and that was when Felix nearly fell over, eyes going wide and scared, looking between Jack and the camera. His heart was threatening to pound out of his chest. His hands were starting to get clammy. Jack was acting like he didn’t notice. 

“Which is why I wanted to make this video! To update you all. With the SAD stuff and the the new setup. And the Felix thing! I know I’ve been putting up a lot of pictures with him and been talking about him and I wanted to explain why. I, I was in that bad place, and he showed up, took care of me, and now we’re dating.” Jack shrugged and Felix couldn’t breathe. “I dunno, I’m happier than I’ve been in a while. And I think that’s what counts.” Jack finally turned his attention back to Felix and giggled. “Y’okay?”

Felix slowly lowered his head to rest on the desk and didn’t respond. He knew his face was either white as a sheet or red as a tomato and he didn’t know which was worse. Jack cooed softly and ran his fingers through Felix’s hair (which really fucking helped).

“He’s embarrassed,” Jack chuckled. “I didn’t tell him I was going to do this. He wanted to wait until he thought I was ready and shit, but after all he’s done for me, it really isn’t fair to keep him from having this.” Felix felt Jack bend down to kiss the top of his head. 

“Well that’s where I’m gonna end it,” Jack said, beginning his outro. “Thank ye all for watching, and if ye liked it, punch that like button in the face! Like a boss! And high-fives all around.” Jack hived the air, then took Felix’s hand and high-fived him as well. “Thank ye guys, and I will see all ye dudes in the next video!” After a moment of silence, Jack giggled again. “Jesus, Fe’, you’re fucking adorable, all flustered and shit.”

“I can’t believe you did that,” Felix choked out. 

“You’re not mad, right?”

Felix looked up and saw an expression of concern on his boyfriend. Felix shook his head. He wasn’t angry, just a little freaked out by how quickly his life had changed in the matter of a few moments. 

“You want me to wait to put it up? You can make a video of your own, if you’d like.”

“God, Seán, I don’t care about who does it first,” Felix told him before surging upwards and kissing Jack hard, holding his face in his hands. The blinking light of Jack’s camera shone through his eyelids and he half hoped Jack would keep this kiss in the footage of the video, half hoped he wouldn’t. But he definitely wanted to watch this kiss later. Jack moaned softly against his lips and then smiled. 

“Ye done yet?” Jack asked, pressing his hands to Felix’s chest and kneading gently. “Wanna go home. Wanna sit at the window and cuddle and shit. And maybe make out a little.”

“And fuck?” Felix suggested, waggling his brow. He was slowly working past his previous heart attack. He should probably tell Michael and Brad about Jack’s video. That seemed like something important they should know about. “We could, we could definitely fuck.”

Jack laughed, loud and bright, and slapped Felix’s shoulder playfully. “Ye’ fuckin’ perv. I’ve got to call Robin! I need to tell him and Mark and Wade and Bob and shit. I can’t just come out and not tell them. They’re my friends.”

“Okay, but I can definitely fuck you while you’re on the phone. It’s not like you’re doing a video message.” Jack’s face went scarlet, but he didn’t protest soon enough, so Felix beamed. “Awesome, sounds like a plan. Good luck keeping quiet.”

“We’re not doing that!” Jack said shrilly. “They, they don’t need to hear that! Oh my god, Felix, you’re a fucking pervert, I knew you had some sort of fucking weird fetish. You have a fucking fetish. What the fuck have I gotten myself into.”

“The best relationship in your life,” Felix snickered. “It’s wholesome. Family friendly.”

“You’re not fucking me while I’m on the phone with Robin. Or Bob or Wade or fucking anyone.”

Felix pouted. “Not even Mark?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you.”

Felix laughed and sat back on the floor, beaming up at Jack. It was hitting him. Jack was actually going to tell people he was dating Felix. It meant a lot to Felix because, well, Jack was Jack. Jack was a beacon of kindness and cuteness and hilarity on the internet, and despite his filthy mouth, he was sort of heralded as a pure soul. Felix was a piece of shit. He definitely wasn’t someone who deserved to be with Jack, so knowing that, at the very least, Jack wasn’t ashamed to say he was with him meant a lot. It made him smile.

“What’s got you so fuckin’ happy?” Jack asked, looking down at him. Felix shook his head, still grinning from ear to ear. 

“Thanks for liking me, Seán,” Felix said. “Why don’t we head home. The sun’s still out. We can walk.”

Jack was out of his chair in seconds, out of the office and ready to go. Felix watched him go with a fond smile and remembered again why he fell in love with this idiot in the first place.

. . .

Three days later, Felix lied in bed and watched Jack’s video while Jack was in the shower. 

It was weird to watch, at first. Weird to listen to Jack talk about the depression he’d been dealing with so freely and weird to hear him talk about how he’d actually been broken up. What he’d been like before Felix had come to Ireland. And… what he felt for Felix.

 _“It’s just amazing,”_ Jack said on the screen. _“To know that you have these people in your life, these friends, who will actually buy a plane ticket and come out to you and make sure you’re okay. It’s amazing to know that there are people who care about you that much. And while I’d always kinda hoped I’d have that one day, I never truly expected it. So when Felix suddenly showed up at my door, saying he was worried, it just… I probably would’ve cried if I hadn’t been so shocked. It blew me away, it really did._

 _“And then he, like, took care of me and stuff. Actually took care of me. He did a ton of research on the seasonal depression and got me all of the vitamins I’d need. Got me these weird lamps and made me dinner and stuff. He actually fuckin’ took care of me. It was so fucking weird!”_ Jack laughed and Felix laughed with him. _“It was weird because I never expected Felix to actually put that time away for me. He's always so busy, ye’ know? And not in a bad way. He has a lot of shit to do, so it was really, like, shocking to see that he was wiling to put all of that aside for me. Really told me a lot about him that I never knew._

_“And honestly, I could talk about Felix forever, and that’s the main reason why I’m making this video. Felix!” Jack paused, then called out again. “Felix!”_

Jack came out of the bathroom at the same time as Felix came into the video. Jack paused when he saw him, towel hanging around his waist. Felix looked him over, really proud of how he couldn’t see Jacks’ ribs anymore, and how he was regaining color. Jack smiled hesitantly. “What’re you watching?”

“Your video.” Felix set the phone aside. 

“Read the comments yet?” Jack asked, sounding nervous. Felix shook his head. He was just as nervous. “Fuck. Well, at least no one’s tried to, like, burn our place down yet.”

“Our place?” Felix repeated.

Jack shrugged. “Made it official to them. Might as well make it official to us. Unless you don’t want me here?” Jack was smirking like an asshole, he knew what Felix was going to say. “I could always go home…”

“Get over here so I can fuck you in our bed, Seán,” Felix ordered. Jack giggled and dropped onto the mattress, letting the towel fall to the side. As Jack crawled into Felix’s lap, deliciously naked, Felix’s phone went off with Mark’s ringtone. Jack snatched up his phone and read the message aloud

_‘congrats on the gay the kiss was cute’_

“I’ll give him shit later,” Felix said, pushing Jack onto his back. “Right now, I’m really just focused on making sure your shower was completely pointless.”

“Fuck me up, ye’ Swedish bastard,” Jack giggled. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

It was stupid and cheesy and so perfectly Jack. It was everything Felix could have ever wanted. Now the world knew that Jack was his, and no one could ever take them apart. Not even some shitty weather and a missing sun.


End file.
